"It's time to decide which is out of my mind. 'Cuz it'll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind."

I've been wanting to blog for SO long but haven't been able to get to my site! The stupid filter my parent's set up on our home computer, like, evolved or something and quit letting me get on blogger, which kept me away for so long. But, alas, Blog, I have returned. I've missed you so. I got a mini HP netbook for Christmas courtesy of my mom's friend Chad (you rock, Chad!!), it's no macbook, but it's mine. And that makes it grand. It's FINALLY set up so I can get on the internet so, yeah, I'm back.
I'm still getting used to the fact that it's 2011. Weird...but sweet. I didn't make any resolutions, I just checked off stuff from my "100 Things I Want to Do Before I Die" list and added more to it. That's my New Year's tradition. I was surprised, I actually was able to check off two or three. I figure you can make resolutions whenever you want to and keep them, even, if you really want to. Any time of the year. But that list, for me, is special. It's just my thing I do.
Almost half-way through senior year. Whoop dee doo.
I feel bad for the negativity, but for real, I keep waiting for it to get better. But it's not fun right now. It's so scary. There's so much uncertainty about where I'm going to end up and what I'm going to do. Everyone's always asking me what my plan is, what I'm going to do, "oh, you wanna study English? and how will that pay the bills?" you know what? SHUT UP. Did YOU have it all figured out when you were 17? Doubt it. Uuuuurggggghhhhh. I hate that. I hate when adults ask me what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know. I'm sorry I don't see into the future and know exactly where I'm going to be. But ya know what? It's not even like they really care. It's just the polite thing to ask kids in high school after the standard "How are you?" and "How's school going?"
Siiigh. Anyway. I know I shouldn't be stressing. I know it's just a waste of time to worry, it really is. I'm going to end up exactly where God wants me, that's always been my prayer and desire. I guess just because, well you know, EVERYTHING has been so uncertain for the past year and a half or so, things can get a bit...hm. I don't know, shaky for me. But that's my journey, every day. Learning to trust that it's all going to be alright. And, really, it will be. That's something I'm working on learning. Something I'll understand in time.
Can I just say something that's been welling up inside me for, like, the past three months? Something that breaks my heart? Why is it that, at least with the people in my life, it's those that have known such unspeakable, unimaginable loss that are the ones who are the fullest of, the richest in love? They're so open to it, so ready to give it out, to receive it. Like it's so easy. I mean, it isn't hard, but ya get what I'm saying? It's just something I've noticed. And it isn't everybody, not by any means. It's not difficult to be bitter when you've experienced loss in such a heavy, fist-to-the-gut kind of way. It's easy to see the bad all around when you've had loved ones ripped away from you, torn right out from under you. But those people that are still so full of light, in spite of it, gosh, I don't know, maybe even because of it? Those that love so easily, reach out for it, grasp at it with both hands. I admire that. I love that. I need that. That's beautiful. It seems so wrong, but that's beautiful.
In closing, now that I feel adequately vented, a list.
The Little Things That Are Getting Me Through It All:
Elephant tattoos (relax, I don't have one. just the idea of one). Orange nail polish. Swedish fish (the red ones). That commercial with Kevin Bacon in it. Business Time. Business socks. Chain-reading because Khaled Hosseini told me to. Lotion that smells like buttercream frosting. Indian food. The Message. That moment when you first lay in bed and shut your eyes, and you have the WHOLE night of sleeping ahead of you. Having perfect comedic timing for those really tormenting moments of Chemistry class. Thinking about how I'm halfway done with Chemistry class (take that, world). 1st period English. The English language. The Persian language. New Zealanders. That laugh where it's so passionate, no noise comes out. Yeah.