It seems like everyone here wears yoga pants.

Could I pull off yoga pants? Do I even want to? They do look comfortable...
But that's not really the point.
The point is that I feel alone here. Not all of the time. But enough. Enough to wonder why I'm even here.
And the worst part is, the problem is really with me, not anyone else. Everyone seems SO nice here, and I'm sure there's tons of people I could hang out with if I reached out. But... I just, feel different. I feel so...not understood. There's no person that will laugh at my random sense of humor anymore, no one who really even gets it. I feel like I'm 14 again, starting high school and wondering where my place is. Wondering why I care that I don't feel like I have one.
I am, have always been, a loner of sorts. Not to say that I don't have friends or don't need people, I do. I really do. But, even as a kid, I always went off and played by myself. Being part of the pack bored me, it felt like I was missing out on something. I don't know if that makes any sense. Now, that's not to say I feel like my friends are a waste of time. They save my life, every single day. The ones that I still have, anyway...but that's another story. But I've never needed to be liked by everyone. I just needed that tiny handful of friends that get me. That understand it when I quote Star Wars or order my food in an Indian accent or laugh out loud over something stupid that happened two months ago. I just, I don't have that anymore and it's lonely. They all have their own networks now, in different cities, in different schools.
Without me.
And I mean, I'm okay with being by myself. I'm good at it. I savor being alone sometimes, really. But I guess, I just hate feeling like this. Wanting to fit in but not wanting to. I don't understand it. And I don't know how to make anyone else understand why I don't want to go bowling. Or to Waffle House with thirty other people. Or where ever.
And I've been telling myself it's just been a slow start because of my feet. I still can't really get around all that well so I don't really feel up for adventures just yet. And I'm hoping, really hoping, that's it.
I just want to click with someone. Someone who likes Lord of the Rings and culture and Coldplay. Well, they don't have to. But just someone I can talk to and not feel like they're getting tired of me.
And, don't get me wrong. I have an awesome roommate who is so, so sweet. We have a ton in common and she's just really cool. But I didn't go into this expecting to be best friends with her. All I prayed for was for her to be clean and nice, and she has exceeded those requests. But I just don't feel like we'll ever be, like, inseparable. Which is totally fine, I wasn't hoping for that at all. She has her own friends here and a life. And I'm...working on it. I also have one friend who's in one of my classes each day. She's so kind and giving and she seriously inspires me in so many ways. But she's so...social. And I'm just not. I feel like she knows the name of everyone on campus and I'm just like, "....."
And, again, please don't think I'm some kind of awkward freak who doesn't like people or want friends. But I just feel different. In a way that is lonely sometimes. In a way that makes it hard to feel like I'm truly got by other people sometimes.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. I don't even know what I want or am asking for. I just want to stop feeling like this. Like something's wrong with me. Like I have this wall up that I don't know how to take down. Or like I'm not in the right place. And also, please don't think that I think I'm better than everyone else and on some other, higher level. That is just so stuck up and pretentious and I can't stand anyone thinking that of me. That's not how it is at all. I just feel... different.
But I will end on a good note by saying that living on my own is amazing. I love going places and not having to tell anyone where I'm going. I love staying out until one am if I feel like it. I love buying ice cream from Wawa's and not hearing anything about it from my father. It is perfect.
I'll take what I can get.

“Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

Things My Summer Consisted of:

• Skyrim
• Avatar: The Last Airbender (all seasons) and Legend of Korra
• My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
• Late night awesome-ness with some of my best friends in the world
• Richmond trip 
• Work
• So many Skype dates
• Christafari
• Wishing I was a mermaid
• Lighting off fireworks for the very first time
• Casablanca
• Actually having a date to a wedding
• So much stressing
• Bilateral foot surgery
• Percocet
• Netflix
• Disney movies
• Pretty Little Liars (I’m not proud)
• Sam
• Sam’s family

For some reason, whenever it finally sinks in that summer's gone, I have to reflect. I have to think about what I did and if I had any particularly notable adventures. And, every single time, I always come up feeling like I missed out. Like I didn't do half the stuff I said I would. Like I wasted summer's sweetness, let it slip through my fingers. I'm realizing, though, that even this, the most ordinary of summers, was so beautiful. Because it was mine. And I grew from it. I learned and I loved and I Skyrim-ed. Yeah, boy. Just kidding. Well, not really.
I strengthened my bond with my inner child. I experienced the joy of being nerdy, getting excited over the seemingly smallest things that can make me SO happy. I spent so much time with him and his family, learning from them and laughing with them, discovering that there is a place for me in their warm, welcoming, perfect chaos. 
I temporarily lost my ability to walk. Or move, really, due to painful stitches in the bottoms of both my feet. I crawled everywhere for a while and thanked God every single day that it wasn't forever. Feet are so amazing. You seriously can't do anything without them. I will NEVER take them for granted. Ever.
I wish I could say that I had some kind of crazy amazing revelation about trusting God through all the nasty stress of trying to work out going to college. It was an uphill struggle for so, so long. And, to be honest, even now that I'm finally at Regent I still ask God why. Why am I here? Do You have something for me here? Something I need to learn? I don't know. I really don't. I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time and going into so much debt for something my parents want more than me. But, really, what else could I be doing? As much as I love my coffee shop, I knew I couldn't stay there forever.
It's crazy how much a year can change so much. Change everything. Time has flown by, though it hasn't felt like it. A week from now I'll be halfway through 19. The lessons I've learned in the past six months of being this age alone are unfathomable. 
Lessons about what it means to love someone and be loved by them. Really loving them. In a way that's different than any other kind of love. In a way that has its challenges, but is really so easy. It's funny but, as you're learning more and more about this person (because there will ALWAYS be so much to learn) you end up learning so much about yourself. That person becomes like a mirror, sometimes showing you things you don't really like. But it's a good thing, because it helps you change. It helps you shift, lose the selfishness (though that's something that can always stand being worked on) and become better for this person. Because they deserve it. They deserve the best of you, of everything. Yet, they take you for you no matter what. When you are literally at your absolute worst. Throwing up. Being a crazy jerk. Freaking out over something stupid. Crying for no reason. Sam loves me in spite of..because of all of it. And, even though we still have a few more months until our one year, I know it's real. Because of all he's taught me. Because of how he can still a restlessness in my heart with just a look. How he pretends to not notice me taking his french fries because he knows they taste better if they're stolen. How he can tell me everything is going to be alright and, for the first time in my life, I can believe it. I can feel it.
Other lessons, too. About refusing to give up on your dream even when people are attacking it and calling it stupid and impractical. I will write books. That's all I want to do besides serve the Lord and be a wife and mother. And I don't care if you don't think it will work.
I don't know what else to say besides that I'm happy. Happy and scared and young and learning.