I want to go somewhere so bad.

I tried to google "places to visit that have the best rain" but the internet didn't understand me. It kept thinking I meant I wanted to travel to the rainforest. NO.
I'm allllmost done with the massive load of end-of-the-semester-crap-that-sucks that I have to do before finals week. I have one last, huge paper I should be starting/working on right now. But...but no.
Current jam: My Head is an Animal by Of Monsters and Men. The whole album is glorious. It makes me want to play in the woods like a child.
Current polish: Diamonds and Rubies on my toes, a gorgeous and very bright red. Black Diamonds (still in progress) on my fingers, a rich, shimmery black. Yes, they're both from the same Sally Hansen collection, I'm sure you were wondering.
All I want for Christmas is contacts. Preferably ones that help me see better at night so I don't almost crash and die because I can't read the street sign and don't realize that I'm almost passing my turn and have to screech over to make it.
Also, a haircut would be cool.
And maybe some new canvases and paint and brushes and stuff, but I won't push it.
My mom lost her job last week.
It's scary, but also not. I just try not to think about it.
I do really want to get a second job for when I'm at school, to try and help out a little.
I mostly just really want health insurance again. Is that weird? It kind of really scares me to not have it.
I went to one of my favorite places of all time yesterday, Barnes and Noble. And it was one of my favorites of my favorite, the Barnes and Noble by William and Mary.
It has an escalator inside, which makes me so happy for some reason. I could spend days in there.
In the travel section, in front of the magazine rack, in medicine, in biography, in young adult fiction. EVERYTHING, ALL OF IT.
There was something else I was going to say, and I've been sitting here for the past ten minutes trying to remember what it was, but I seriously can't remember.
So, here, a list.
Things I've Learned Over My First Semester of Real College:
-I am not a Calvinist. I do not and cannot agree with predestination.
-I might maybe go for my Master's degree. Maybe in art therapy or something. Eastern Virginia Medical School is pretty cool and has a legit program I must say I'm interested in.
-Soup counts as a meal when you're broke.
-New nail polish is for people with money.
-Messy bun Mondays are fun. And there are lots of ways to do a messy bun.
-I love painting. I'd forgotten, but I remember again. I love it so much.
-Watching whole seasons of Hey, Arnold! and As Told by Ginger during midterms week/finals week/when you're trying to avoid pressing responsibilities in general is a great idea.
-I suck at un-fun writing. And research.
-The human body is fascinating and kind of disgusting.
-My Little Pony anything makes absolutely everything better.
-Wedding blogs are the ultimate time/productivity vortex.

G'night.

There may be Sleepy Time tea involved.

I promise, I'll post something with actual depth and significance soon.
But right now I just can't. There's just so much school and tired and stress and even though I'm tired I can't sleep and blah feelings.
Warm tea's so glorious.
So is Coldplay.
I got all my classes for next semester, even one that I was sure I wouldn't get. Thank You, Lord!
It's November, my most favorite month of the entire year.
The air is so crisp and chilly that sometimes, seriously, I just open up the window and stick my head outside to stare at the gorgeous colors the trees are finally turning and breathe in the brisk cold. I hope I don't get sick because of it.
Immune system, be strong for me. For once.
I'm going through a few kicks right now. Barbra Streisand is definitely one of them. Yentl is one of those movies that, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how powerful it was. Barbraaaa. Also, I can't seem to stop watching Hey, Arnold! and As Told by Ginger.
Oh, nostalgia.
I'm also still really into messy top knots and Audrey Hepburn.
The former because my hair's too long and I don't know how to handle it anymore (haircut in the near future, I'm gonna get some style cut back into it, gah!) and the latter because she's one of the few movie stars that I find absolutely, effortlessly beautiful. Just, seriously gorgeous.
Also, she's probably the only movie star I've seen that actually looks happy, really happy. I'm not sure if she was or not, but she looks it, she really does.

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I wish I could just have the answers to all of these questions.

And the kind of peace that comes from You. The kind of peace that nothing and no one can take from me.

Alright.

Lord, I'm asking You to do this.
I'm asking You right now even though I know it's going to suck really, really bad, maybe for a long time. But it needs to be done. It's been way too long of a time coming.
Lord, will You take away all the fear in my heart? Every bit of it. Fear of man, fear of disaster, fear of loss, fear of failure. All of it, Lord, take it all away. I will not fear anything anymore.
Lord, will You humble me? Do everything that needs to be done. Strip me of everything that's tinged with pride, that thinks that I can do something that's worth anything to You on my own. It hurts. It's already happening and it hurts really bad, but keeping going, Lord. Don't stop.
Lord, will You forgive me? Forgive me for when I've lost focus, when my gaze was shifted from You. Forgive me for not being able to believe that You love me. Forgive me for thinking I need to be good enough for You to accept me. I'm a fool if I think for one second that I can do anything to make me worthy of your love and forgiveness. It doesn't work like that. I was stupid for thinking that was even possible to do.
Please help this to go away. Let this get better. And make this pain, this aching go away.
Help me forgive myself.

Protect me. Keep me. Lead me. Speak to me.
Thank You for never leaving me and thank You that You're here in this. Getting me, us, through. Thank You that You are the strength we so badly need and Your way is best. Make a way for it to all work. Thank You that You will complete what You started.
"Though the Lord is great, He cares for the humble, but He keeps His distance from the proud. Though I am surrounded by troubles, You will protect me from the anger of my enemies. You reach out Your hand, and the power of Your right hand saves me. The Lord will work out His plans for my life---for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for You made me." Psalm 138:6-8

But I've got lots of plans for tomorrow, and all my tomorrows belong to you.

I've started painting again.
Acrylics are cool, and a lot less messy than oils.
Is that a grammatically correct sentence? It looks weird. Ah, well.
Michael's 69 cent paints, dude. Go. Go now.
I just washed my car and did a load of laundry. I feel kind of productive. And boring.
One Intro to Christian History and Thought forty-question midterm (due tonight), two human biology quizzes, and a summary of an article on brain death stand between me and being fully on fall break.
Will I rise to the occasion? Maybe. Yeah, a little bit. Eh.
It's a Sinatra kind of day.
I think I'm gonna paint my nails green. With maybe gold tips?
College is getting better. I'm finally coming out of my shell a little more, I think.
Which is weird because I never even knew I really had a shell until college, but hey.
I'm feeling less lost, too. And a lot less stressed. And not just because I'm on break, I've been noticing it for a few weeks now. It's hit me that I don't have to toil like mad and burn myself out trying to be this perfect mega-student. I just gotta do my best. That's it. Fortunately, I've always been pretty decent at the school thing. But even when my best isn't good enough, it is what it is.
This time of year is perfect.
I think I could live through ten thousand falls and it still wouldn't be long enough.
I really, really want to get married in autumn.
And there'll be lots of Coldplay and Black Keys and Frank Sinatra played.
And I'll carry yellow and white flowers.
And everyone will dance ridiculously and there'll be a Chinese food buffet and a hot tea bar. Hopefully.
And we'll have a layer of coconut cake.
And the men will wear charcoal tuxes.
It will be perfect.
But until then, I'm just here. In my pajama pants with cupcakes all over them.
Yeah, I'm done.
Excuse all the random. You knew what this was.
I do what I want.

I wrote this when I was seventeen years old, almost three years ago.

Lord, I'm so sick of looking.
I'm done with scanning the crowd for him.
I'm through following after shadows.
My focus is on You.
And as I'm looking up, he will catch me by surprise.
I want to be pursued.
I want to be found.
God, I'm done chasing after something fake.
I want to be searched after.
Captivated.
I don't have to do anything.
He will find me.
All I have to do is look at You.
I'm tired of searching.
I want to be pursued.
And found.

Here's what I want, God:
A leader.
Someone hilarious, goofy, and wonderfully random,
Someone who can be serious, too...
A man after Your heart, a David, a warrior for You.
A best friend.
To be romanced.
A lover.
Someone gentle and strong.

Please, let him find me soon.
I trust You.

(I posted this not because anything that I wrote was particularly moving, but because this truly was my heart at seventeen. And I love what God worked on in me, what He's still working on in me, and how he brought this man to me a year and a half later. He heard me. He loves me and He gave me a man with all of this and so, so much more. He knew what I needed better than I did.)

It seems like everyone here wears yoga pants.

Could I pull off yoga pants? Do I even want to? They do look comfortable...
But that's not really the point.
The point is that I feel alone here. Not all of the time. But enough. Enough to wonder why I'm even here.
And the worst part is, the problem is really with me, not anyone else. Everyone seems SO nice here, and I'm sure there's tons of people I could hang out with if I reached out. But... I just, feel different. I feel so...not understood. There's no person that will laugh at my random sense of humor anymore, no one who really even gets it. I feel like I'm 14 again, starting high school and wondering where my place is. Wondering why I care that I don't feel like I have one.
I am, have always been, a loner of sorts. Not to say that I don't have friends or don't need people, I do. I really do. But, even as a kid, I always went off and played by myself. Being part of the pack bored me, it felt like I was missing out on something. I don't know if that makes any sense. Now, that's not to say I feel like my friends are a waste of time. They save my life, every single day. The ones that I still have, anyway...but that's another story. But I've never needed to be liked by everyone. I just needed that tiny handful of friends that get me. That understand it when I quote Star Wars or order my food in an Indian accent or laugh out loud over something stupid that happened two months ago. I just, I don't have that anymore and it's lonely. They all have their own networks now, in different cities, in different schools.
Without me.
And I mean, I'm okay with being by myself. I'm good at it. I savor being alone sometimes, really. But I guess, I just hate feeling like this. Wanting to fit in but not wanting to. I don't understand it. And I don't know how to make anyone else understand why I don't want to go bowling. Or to Waffle House with thirty other people. Or where ever.
And I've been telling myself it's just been a slow start because of my feet. I still can't really get around all that well so I don't really feel up for adventures just yet. And I'm hoping, really hoping, that's it.
I just want to click with someone. Someone who likes Lord of the Rings and culture and Coldplay. Well, they don't have to. But just someone I can talk to and not feel like they're getting tired of me.
And, don't get me wrong. I have an awesome roommate who is so, so sweet. We have a ton in common and she's just really cool. But I didn't go into this expecting to be best friends with her. All I prayed for was for her to be clean and nice, and she has exceeded those requests. But I just don't feel like we'll ever be, like, inseparable. Which is totally fine, I wasn't hoping for that at all. She has her own friends here and a life. And I'm...working on it. I also have one friend who's in one of my classes each day. She's so kind and giving and she seriously inspires me in so many ways. But she's so...social. And I'm just not. I feel like she knows the name of everyone on campus and I'm just like, "....."
And, again, please don't think I'm some kind of awkward freak who doesn't like people or want friends. But I just feel different. In a way that is lonely sometimes. In a way that makes it hard to feel like I'm truly got by other people sometimes.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. I don't even know what I want or am asking for. I just want to stop feeling like this. Like something's wrong with me. Like I have this wall up that I don't know how to take down. Or like I'm not in the right place. And also, please don't think that I think I'm better than everyone else and on some other, higher level. That is just so stuck up and pretentious and I can't stand anyone thinking that of me. That's not how it is at all. I just feel... different.
But I will end on a good note by saying that living on my own is amazing. I love going places and not having to tell anyone where I'm going. I love staying out until one am if I feel like it. I love buying ice cream from Wawa's and not hearing anything about it from my father. It is perfect.
I'll take what I can get.

“Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

Things My Summer Consisted of:

• Skyrim
• Avatar: The Last Airbender (all seasons) and Legend of Korra
• My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
• Late night awesome-ness with some of my best friends in the world
• Richmond trip 
• Work
• So many Skype dates
• Christafari
• Wishing I was a mermaid
• Lighting off fireworks for the very first time
• Casablanca
• Actually having a date to a wedding
• So much stressing
• Bilateral foot surgery
• Percocet
• Netflix
• Disney movies
• Pretty Little Liars (I’m not proud)
• Sam
• Sam’s family

For some reason, whenever it finally sinks in that summer's gone, I have to reflect. I have to think about what I did and if I had any particularly notable adventures. And, every single time, I always come up feeling like I missed out. Like I didn't do half the stuff I said I would. Like I wasted summer's sweetness, let it slip through my fingers. I'm realizing, though, that even this, the most ordinary of summers, was so beautiful. Because it was mine. And I grew from it. I learned and I loved and I Skyrim-ed. Yeah, boy. Just kidding. Well, not really.
I strengthened my bond with my inner child. I experienced the joy of being nerdy, getting excited over the seemingly smallest things that can make me SO happy. I spent so much time with him and his family, learning from them and laughing with them, discovering that there is a place for me in their warm, welcoming, perfect chaos. 
I temporarily lost my ability to walk. Or move, really, due to painful stitches in the bottoms of both my feet. I crawled everywhere for a while and thanked God every single day that it wasn't forever. Feet are so amazing. You seriously can't do anything without them. I will NEVER take them for granted. Ever.
I wish I could say that I had some kind of crazy amazing revelation about trusting God through all the nasty stress of trying to work out going to college. It was an uphill struggle for so, so long. And, to be honest, even now that I'm finally at Regent I still ask God why. Why am I here? Do You have something for me here? Something I need to learn? I don't know. I really don't. I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time and going into so much debt for something my parents want more than me. But, really, what else could I be doing? As much as I love my coffee shop, I knew I couldn't stay there forever.
It's crazy how much a year can change so much. Change everything. Time has flown by, though it hasn't felt like it. A week from now I'll be halfway through 19. The lessons I've learned in the past six months of being this age alone are unfathomable. 
Lessons about what it means to love someone and be loved by them. Really loving them. In a way that's different than any other kind of love. In a way that has its challenges, but is really so easy. It's funny but, as you're learning more and more about this person (because there will ALWAYS be so much to learn) you end up learning so much about yourself. That person becomes like a mirror, sometimes showing you things you don't really like. But it's a good thing, because it helps you change. It helps you shift, lose the selfishness (though that's something that can always stand being worked on) and become better for this person. Because they deserve it. They deserve the best of you, of everything. Yet, they take you for you no matter what. When you are literally at your absolute worst. Throwing up. Being a crazy jerk. Freaking out over something stupid. Crying for no reason. Sam loves me in spite of..because of all of it. And, even though we still have a few more months until our one year, I know it's real. Because of all he's taught me. Because of how he can still a restlessness in my heart with just a look. How he pretends to not notice me taking his french fries because he knows they taste better if they're stolen. How he can tell me everything is going to be alright and, for the first time in my life, I can believe it. I can feel it.
Other lessons, too. About refusing to give up on your dream even when people are attacking it and calling it stupid and impractical. I will write books. That's all I want to do besides serve the Lord and be a wife and mother. And I don't care if you don't think it will work.
I don't know what else to say besides that I'm happy. Happy and scared and young and learning.

We’ll still have a song to sing.

A long walk home, riddled with regret / Uncommonly comfortable, but still I believe / That in time I think I'll see just what's been weighing down on me / An unearthy void collapsed, exposing what was trapped / To release this serendipitous design / The smell of smoke, the evening sky was proof / Belated conversation saturate anticipation for the answers that simply won't come / But not I, I won't ask / Forget my place amongst the grass / The leaves and the trees remember me / And in my naivety it might be seen / The pail has leaks and even if you put all your water into it you end up with nothing left to drink / The well has gone dry, and I with it /  Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Sing softly, bring me to the lake / Sing softly, sing me to the lake

"His Hands Matched His Tongue" by the Dear Hunter

There's this feeling of futility. Maybe I'm just a terrible adult. Or maybe I just have no clue what I'm doing or what I even want to be doing anymore. But is it even about what I want? Of course not. It never was. But then there's that fear. The familiar fear of messing up. I'm just tired. Of not knowing and being frightened of what I don't know. Of wondering if I'm going to fail. I want to trust Him. But it's not even Him I don't trust, it's me.

It's all in the hands of God. And that's where I'll leave it.

Feeling a little lost right now. Hope that's okay.
Though, I don't think lost is the right word. Because I know that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay and work out exactly how it's supposed to.
I know that.
I guess it's just the what ifs.
The not knowing.
That gets to me sometimes.
Which I guess just comes with the territory of being a freaking worry wart. Maybe someday soon I'll find that balance between caring too much and not enough.
Sam helps me with that, the worrying.
You know how some people say that there isn't just one person out there for you? That there's more than one person that could be meant for you? Well, I used to think that was true. But now I know it's not.
I used to not believe in soul mates. Made fun of the idea, even.
But not anymore.
Those places I lack, he has in abundance.
We complement each other in the way that we're just better together.
I wonder what I did before I met him. Because I sure as heck can't imagine my life without him now.
He's my best friend. My rock.
My one and only.
Maybe this all seems very naive and dumb and young.
But what can I say? Sometimes you just know.
And I know.
I feel it when he voices my thoughts, just before I'm about to open my mouth to speak, and puts it in the exact way I wanted to but didn't know how.
When we dance together in his kitchen to the Black Keys and he twirls me perfectly.
When we're at a red light and I can't help but look at him. And he feels my eyes on him, so he looks back. So we just sit there, watching each other. Speaking a thousand things without saying a word.
When he plays me "The Scientist" on the piano, just because he knows it's my song for him.
And when I get up to leave and he's waiting by my shoes, to put them on for me. To kiss my feet.
I know God brought me him. And he is such a blessing, such a gift.
I just can't imagine what I ever did to deserve something so wonderful.
But I guess that's not how God works.

Oh hey, life.

It's the fact that my co-workers and I all think Spongebob is hilarious and quote it back and forth to each other constantly during our shifts.
It's when my father, in his own concerned and always serious way, tells me he's proud of me, reaching down into something frantically unsure and fearful within me, quieting it.
It's pulling A's in my Liberty online classes without a clue as to how I did it. But yay.
It's nude shimmer nail polish.
And wearing his class ring around my neck.
And being nineteen, just figuring life out.
But not really.
I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I'm never going to know what I'm doing. It's just a fact of life for me, and that's okay. I was always better at just winging stuff anyway. Slash, God knows it all. Every single thing, how it's all going to play out. Exactly how it's supposed to go.
Which means I don't have to know.

I promise...

To never stop looking at you like it's the very first time I'm laying eyes on you.
To always be your safe place to land.
To always keep that balance between butting heads and letting you have your way.
That you'll always get your way.
I promise to never stop thinking you're a masterpiece.
A work of art, all of you.
The backs of your hands.
Your jaw line.
The way you furrow your eyebrows when you're absorbing some bit of information.
I promise to never stop singing you Coldplay lyrics.
To always listen to you, encourage you, believe in you.
To always see that greatness within you, even and especially when you can't.
I love the way you hold the steering wheel.
The way you drag your feet exactly like I do.
The way you crack up at the same dumb stuff as me.
I love your wit.
The sharp, unapologetic way you challenge me and make me want to be better.
Your tenderness.
Thank you for finally convincing me that I'm safe.
That you'll never let anyone or anything hurt me.
Thank you for being that constant, stable rock I can cling to in the midst of
a thrashing sea.
Thank you for being you. And loving that I exist and I'm me.
I couldn't have dreamed of anything better.

PS: They say Rome is lovely in the fall.