I don't know.

Right now, I'm a twenty year old college kid. I listen to "Papa, can you hear me?" from Yentl on repeat sometimes. I eat Yakisoba microwaveable "Japanese" noodles for dinner some nights, even though I know full well that they're riddled with MSG and other toxins. I paint with no real knowledge or skill, really I'm just pushing and mixing colors around until something I like happens. Most Tuesdays and Thursdays, the days I don't have any classes except for online work, I stay in bed until somewhere around two in the afternoon. I'm a little ashamed to admit that, but it's true. I Spark Notes a lot of the required literature I'm supposed to read for my classes because it's boring (I know, I'm a bad, bad English major...). I still wear sets of colorful bangles on my wrists because I like to make music when I walk, just like when I was sixteen. I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea what kind of job I'm going to have or what my life is going to look like.
Right now, I'm engaged to the nerdy, whimsical, sarcastic man I've always dreamed about. We'll be married in a month and twenty days and I'll move into his tiny studio apartment. It's an old place, but it's well taken care of and full of character and I can't wait to make it our home. A professor of mine just remarked yesterday that it makes him nervous when people get married in their early twenties because people change so much over time. I agree that people change. I think something's wrong with a person if they continue to stay the exact same way and think the exact same things throughout the course of their entire life. We're supposed to change and grow, it's a part of living! But I also have to disagree with my professor. Because, yes, while people who marry young change as time goes by, that's no less true for people who marry in their thirties or forties. You never stop molding and discovering new things about yourself and the world around you. We are, to use a dirty word, constantly evolving. But does that mean that if I marry someone when I'm twenty, I'm going to outgrow them by the time that I'm forty? No. I don't think so. I think people who say they "outgrew" or "no longer fit" their spouse just stopped loving them or never loved them correctly, in most cases. I think that a marriage is something that is also constantly growing and evolving, and it takes work to keep it strong. Duh. Captain Obvious much, Sarah? But anyway. I don't even know why I'm saying all this. I guess it's just that what my professor said got me thinking. And since I almost never speak up in his class, I suppose I'm just responding to him on here. Sam and I are marrying young, at least for our society's standards. I'm 20 (and will still be 20 when we marry) and he just turned 22 a few days ago. But I'm not worried about us. I'm slightly annoyed by all the people who feel the need to tell me they think I'm making a mistake (which actually isn't that many people, but still. Sigh.). We have a relationship that was built on a very strong friendship. When we started, well, being a thing (I'm uncomfortable with terms like courting or dating..I don't know why.), I was confident in the knowledge that Sam knew me better than anyone, and likewise. As friends, we just had this weird, beautiful, soul-y kind of connection where each understood the other perfectly, effortlessly, like reading each other's minds/finishing each other's sentences/all that lame, sappy stuff couples in movies do that doesn't really happen in real life. Sam and I knew each other. We trusted each other completely. We could tell each other anything. We knew what we were getting. Sam has seen me at some of my worst and darkest moments, and he still wants to be by my side through every minute of this life. I guess, again, I say all this to say that I know we're going to be okay. Now, when we're kids in our twenties crammed into a tiny apartment and finishing up our degrees, and later on down the road. Why? Because what we have, through all of life's changes and different seasons, will always be worth fighting for. It will always be worth cherishing and nurturing.
Yes, right now I'm a twenty year old kid that sometimes wears knit berets and beat up skate shoes. I still feel awkward when I go to the grocery store because I feel like everyone can tell I have no clue what I'm doing. Heck, I feel awkward in about 86% of my daily life situations. But that's the thing about life. You keep changing. I will always be me, but I'll be different too. I have no idea what 25 year old Sarah looks like. Or 28 year old. Or 35 year old. All I know is what I hope for her to be, and that is that she likes herself. If she likes herself, then that'll mean that everything else has worked out, too.
Though, also, it would be really cool to be a published writer. And have kids, maybe even adopt some from Iran, Vietnam, Fill in the blank.

'Sup.

So, I'm probably going to be starting up a different blog soon. One more adult-like and less filled with my random ramblings. Since I'm really wanting to start breaking into the writing business however I can, it's probably going to be a blog where I review different things: books, video games, that sort of stuff. It's my dream to write novels, of course, but I've been finding out that one way to get your feet wet is by showing people you have something worthwhile to say about someone else's work. Slash, it also just sounds like fun. So.

In other news... I GOT ENGAGED.
I wasn't going to put that in all caps, but if I didn't it just looked too nonchalant and like I didn't care. And I definitely do. But I'm also not, like, all weepy-excited either. I didn't feel any of the things our culture ingrains into us that we're supposed to feel when we're getting married. I didn't cry when he proposed to me. I didn't cry when I found the dress. Nope.
You know what's funny, though? It was at the most random moment that I DID cry. We were at the mall, eating Chick fil a in the food court, and I noticed him looking at me. And so I looked back at him and he looked at me even more, only with all this love and gentleness in his eyes. And then I started crying. I've NEVER cried from happiness before I met him, but he seems to be able to make me do it all the time.

About the whole getting married at twenty and while I'm still in school thing? I know. I know it doesn't make any sense and you probably think it's a dumb idea. Heck, it probably is. But sometimes, and these times are very few and far between, the path that makes the least amount of sense is the path you need to go on. I've been with Sam for almost two years. (Gosh, I can't believe it's almost been two whole years.) We know we are who we want to be with, if that makes sense. So, why wait around? For what? For us to have more money? Okay, WHEN does anyone ever have enough money? For him to land that dream job? It will happen in God's perfect timing. But that doesn't mean we should pause life until then and stay in this horrible limbo of wanting to be married but not married. Trust me, it SUCKS. Guys, seriously, if you're with the person you know you want to marry, don't drag it out. There's no reason for it. Don't listen to everyone else who says you have to be in your late 20's and have had at least two European love affairs before you can "settle down." Get married. If you're with the person meant for you, why would you even CARE about all the other people you haven't tried out? That's just stupid.
Okay, sorry, excuse my rant. But really, though.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm marrying Sam because it's what's right for me. He's my best friend and my strongest ally. I just like doing life with him so much better and I don't ever want to say good bye to him anymore. I want to spend every single day of my life with him and so we're getting married at the end of 2013. And, yes, I will finish school. I'll be switching to Regent's online program and I'll be done in a little over a year.
After that, I don't really know. It depends on where Sam lands an engineering job. We really, REALLY want to move up North, though. Either on the East Coast or West, but I'm hoping for West. Northern California, in particular. I just want to write books for a living and paint. I want a house with an emerald green front door and a pool in the backyard. I want a persimmon tree and a garden filled with sunflowers. I also just really want to learn a couple languages and travel extensively. That's so important to me. I feel so restless when I think about how much of the world there is to see. Also, lately a new dream has been placed on my heart to start my own nonprofit organization. I've always been interested in medicine, particularly public health, but just unable to do the doctor thing. But maybe my organization could do something with medicine and Jesus. Evangelism, I feel, is much more effective when you bring something to meet their very real physical needs along with their spiritual needs. It's a hurting world and they need tangible help along with the Gospel. So, we'll see what happens with that.

Holy business!

I haven't blogged in ages!! Not cool.
I've tried before now, I really have, but I always end up deleting what I wrote. I guess I just haven't known how to say anything that I want to say.
But, here I am. It's 12:03 am and my nails are wet.
It's summer. Aside from November, June/July is my favorite chunk out of the entire year. There's something about summer that is so sweet, but in a way that aches because you know it's going to end too quickly.
I'm doing my best to savor it.

I suppose I'll catch you up on some of what's gone down during the rest of my spring semester and the first half of my 20th year of life.
I donated blood for the first time. I'm B+. I'll probably do it again. They gave me free frozen yogurt after, so.
I changed my major to English with a creative writing concentration. I gave being a Psych major the old college try (hehee...), but honestly, I'm just not the type of person that can give my time and energy to something that I don't have a fire in my heart for. I can't do my best at something that I'm not interested in or passionate about. I just can't. I gave up on Psych and counseling because I just felt drained and unhappy at the thought of continuing to pursue a degree in it. It didn't excite me the way English always, always has. Writing books is my dream, that's all I've ever wanted to do with my life. That's what I wanted to be when I grew up, a writer. I want to learn all I possibly can about my craft, I want to be excited about the education I'm receiving. So I finally decided to stop doing what everyone said I should do by just trying to write as a "side job." I decided to do the impractical thing and actually follow my heart. I decided to do what I've always known I wanted. It's my name that's going to be on the degree. It's my debt to pay after graduation. Daggum it, if I'm going to be paying off student loans for the next ten years of my adult, post-grad life, I want to have studied what I loved. And, so, I'm going to finish out my college years learning all I can about writing. And I'm really, really happy about it.
I also got in touch with my emboldened, spit-fire side. I didn't know she existed, but she does. Boy, she does. See, there was this public speaking class this semester that I absolutely DREADED. But towards the end of it, we had to give a persuasive speech. And after you finish the speech, the professor (this seriously intimidating man) pretty much asked you all kinds of questions about your speech to try and trip you up and force you to defend yourself. But when he tried to argue the points of my speech, something came over me! I went just straight crazy, beast-mode up there, shooting everything back at him. I was completely unafraid, I had full confidence in the knowledge that I could take him on. Everyone in my class, including him, cheered for me when I sat down. And ever since that day, I've felt this power in my veins. The power that comes with the knowledge that I'm strong inside and I can fight back. It feels really, really good.
Got a turquoise streak in my hair. It's actually a piece of real hair that's been dyed turquoise and woven in with my real hair, so it should last a few months. But I wanted it. And I'll only be this age once. So, I got it. And I love it. People tell me I have mermaid hair, which makes my heart happy because I absolutely love mermaids.
I kind of love Audrey Hepburn a lot right now. Her movies are magical. And so are her eyes. And the way she works pixie cuts. So far I think Sabrina is my favorite.
Decided on a tattoo.
I started my Tumblr back up again, which has been a good thing and a bad thing for me. It's been good because it lets me be myself. It teaches me about what I like and it lets me live and be excited about all the little things I get excited over. Like bohemian/bazaar-esque interior design or ethnic cooking or vintage lingerie or mermaid tattoos or...WHATEVER I WANT. I love that about it, that it lets me be who I am and like what I like. It's been bad for me in that it makes me confused. It humanizes issues that, when I was younger, I easily saw as black and white. Right or wrong. But when I see the faces, hear the voices of the people that are affected by these controversies, these people that (as a Pentecostal Christian) I've been told are living sinfully...it's like, I can't work through it anymore. Because they're not evil. They aren't these grubby, bad people that burn Bibles and have orgies in the ashes. They're just people. They're people and they hurt in a lot of the same ways I do. How do I condemn people, flesh and blood and bone? How do I say that they are wrong? Who am I? What do I know about them, about life? It's one of those "the more I see of the world and this life, the less I know" type of things. And it's hard. Oh my goodness, it's hard. Because I want things to be black and white again. I want to be able to say that this is truth and this is not and this is why. But I can't anymore, not about everything anyway. I wonder if I ever will again. But you know what? I'm learning that it's okay to not know. It's okay to be a Christian and not know. If anything, my first year of being at a real university has taught me that. It's taught me how to know what I believe and how to figure out why I believe it, but it's also taught me that it's okay to look at life and all its struggles and reach within only to come up empty. It's okay. Because it just is.
Side note, but you know what I've noticed? People say that those who have faith are weak, that they use their belief system as a crutch because they can't make it through life without it. But really, after thinking about it for a while, I've found that I believe that it's those of faith that are the strongest of people. Because literally everyone (particularly at this age, the young adult stage of life) is giving up on religion and being bitter at God and living it up by doing whatever they want. To be a person of faith (especially in the REAL world, outside of a Christian covering) means, a lot of the time, that you're walking alone. You're different, you place value on things that other people don't and never will. You seem backward to the rest of the world. To me, that's something that is really, really hard to do. It's easy to give up on something when literally everyone else is too, when everyone is giving you a thousand reasons not to believe. That's the simplest thing in the world, to just throw God away because life got hard and people who are smarter than you are being all science-y about everything. I think it takes a stronger person to keep going. To not give up even when you can't seem to counter the arguments.

I suppose that's all I've got for now.

Together, we'll live under the persimmon tree.

The persimmon tree in our backyard. The one that's ours.
The persimmon tree we'll lean against and gaze through the gaps and spaces between the twisting knots of branches up towards the sky.
The one our children will climb, that will teach them that even in a world that's warped and jacked up there are beautiful things worthy of being discovered.
There are chunks of sky still worth grasping at, there is fruit worth tasting.
My love, I want our children to learn to climb high. To never stop exploring.
I want them to never stop looking for wonder, even in these ceaselessly trying times.
I just want us to always know that life is worth it.
I want us to teach them that the few-and-far-between miracles of existence that steal your breath away are enough.