I'm sick.
And I've been having this pain in my chest when I breathe.
And I'm freaking out about college. And how I'm going to pay for it. And where the heck I'm going to go.
I've put this in God's hands SO many times. But I just keep taking it back all over again. And for what? So I can worry about my needs and how I feel and what I'm going to do and what I'm thinking and how I'll look and wahh wahh wahh.
Shut up.
Calm down.
He's God, you're not.
Be still.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
A memory.
I'm 15 years old. My hair is short and crazy and I'm coated with a thin layer of dust. EVERYWHERE. It's up my nose, in my ears, in the corners of my eyes.
I've just spent ten or more hours in a bus on an endless road in a strange land. If you could call it a road. At some point the asphalt stopped and it was just dust and potholes and craters. I know the drive was impossibly long, but it's funny, I don't remember time passing. But I remember listening to Veggie Tales' "Barbara Manatee" on Sarah's iPod over and over and over. We'd driven through jungles, at least to me they were jungles. And passed fields of sunflowers and tea plantations and rolling hills. We passed through cities with strange names like Gulu, and others that escape my memory.
Finally, after hours of uncertainty and getting thrown around by bumps, we arrived in Kitgum, Uganda. A city on the border of Sudan that is still recovering from a devastating and horrific war.
War. At 15 that word makes me nervous. Will we be safe? I wanted to know. What will we see? What kind of stories will we hear?
It was pitch black when we arrived at the house we would be staying at for the next week. And there's not really much electricity in Kitgum.
We're being led to our room, and it's separate from the rest of the house. It's a short walk from everyone else and everything, including the toilet. I'm covered in dust from the endless drive, tired and hungry. And I'm in a place that, if you'd told me just a year earlier that I'd ever be, I wouldn't have believed you. I might've laughed at you. I'm walking on a dirt path with Sarah, a flashlight in my hand, towards our room.
When we're about halfway there, I look up.
And I see something I know I will never forget for as long as I live. The sky is covered, splattered, PACKED with more stars than I've ever seen in my entire existence. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and, for a moment, I can't breathe. I can't move. I just stand there, under this African sky. This black night that is littered with so much light, so many clusters of endless constellations and planets and galaxies that God all made.
I've never felt so small. I've never seen such a....well, such a sky.
They just don't make 'em like that back home.
I've just spent ten or more hours in a bus on an endless road in a strange land. If you could call it a road. At some point the asphalt stopped and it was just dust and potholes and craters. I know the drive was impossibly long, but it's funny, I don't remember time passing. But I remember listening to Veggie Tales' "Barbara Manatee" on Sarah's iPod over and over and over. We'd driven through jungles, at least to me they were jungles. And passed fields of sunflowers and tea plantations and rolling hills. We passed through cities with strange names like Gulu, and others that escape my memory.
Finally, after hours of uncertainty and getting thrown around by bumps, we arrived in Kitgum, Uganda. A city on the border of Sudan that is still recovering from a devastating and horrific war.
War. At 15 that word makes me nervous. Will we be safe? I wanted to know. What will we see? What kind of stories will we hear?
It was pitch black when we arrived at the house we would be staying at for the next week. And there's not really much electricity in Kitgum.
We're being led to our room, and it's separate from the rest of the house. It's a short walk from everyone else and everything, including the toilet. I'm covered in dust from the endless drive, tired and hungry. And I'm in a place that, if you'd told me just a year earlier that I'd ever be, I wouldn't have believed you. I might've laughed at you. I'm walking on a dirt path with Sarah, a flashlight in my hand, towards our room.
When we're about halfway there, I look up.
And I see something I know I will never forget for as long as I live. The sky is covered, splattered, PACKED with more stars than I've ever seen in my entire existence. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and, for a moment, I can't breathe. I can't move. I just stand there, under this African sky. This black night that is littered with so much light, so many clusters of endless constellations and planets and galaxies that God all made.
I've never felt so small. I've never seen such a....well, such a sky.
They just don't make 'em like that back home.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Places to go before I die.
India.
New Zealand.
Morocco.
Iran.
Afghanistan.
Pakistan.
Spain.
Sri Lanka.
Philippines.
Australia.
Germany.
Italy.
France.
Thailand.
South Africa.
Nigeria.
China.
Tajikistan.
Nepal.
Japan.
Indonesia.
Some of them are pretty random, I know. But I'd love to be able to see all of these places. When people ask me where I would love to travel to, I always say "everywhere." And I mean it!
New Zealand.
Morocco.
Iran.
Afghanistan.
Pakistan.
Spain.
Sri Lanka.
Philippines.
Australia.
Germany.
Italy.
France.
Thailand.
South Africa.
Nigeria.
China.
Tajikistan.
Nepal.
Japan.
Indonesia.
Some of them are pretty random, I know. But I'd love to be able to see all of these places. When people ask me where I would love to travel to, I always say "everywhere." And I mean it!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I don't believe in coincidences.
Where do I start?
Ahhh....
We had this incredible concert at Bethel Temple tonight, Press Play, this amazing band was there. It was fun, it was all so infectious and crazy. You couldn't not jump around and sing at the top of your lungs! But what really resonated with me was how they were constantly giving glory to God. And they were so passionate about helping those in need, whether it be with the Dream Center, or child sponsorship, or what have you. It was so beautiful. And inspiring. And convicting.
Like...there's a world out there with so much evil and pain and suffering beyond description. And what am I doing about it?!
At first, I was grieved. And soooo overwhelmed. I was like "God! There's so much hurt! Too much hurt! What can I do?! I can't do anything, I can't change anything! I'm just one girl!"
But then I felt my heart go still. And I began to silently pray. Silently beg God to tell me what I should do. To give me a cause, a burden. To make it clear.
And then I heard it in my head, just a few beats later. The Middle East.
Now, I gotta admit. At first I was like "Nah..." but then I thought about it. I thought about the darkness there. The need. The despair.
And I began to pray again. I told God that I would go where He leads, but He has to make a way. He has to show me what to do. And then I told Him that satan would not have those people. That he couldn't have them, that they were His.
So then I go home, still pondering it all, singing Press Play songs. And I get on Facebook and immediately see these links that a mentor of mine posted to these articles from Voice of the Martyrs. And guess what they're about? Violence against Christians in the Middle East. Pakistan and Afghanistan, to clarify. One was about Muslim extremists raping young Christian girls in unspeakable ways in Pakistan. The other was about the Taliban killing Christian aid workers in Afghanistan.
I don't believe in coincidences. And I don't believe that I saw those things by chance. In fact, I'm CERTAIN that the enemy wanted to use those horrific stories to scare me off. And I'm not going to lie, they did scare me a little bit. When they described, even in the tiniest detail, what those men did to those young Pakistani Christian girls I got sick to my stomach. I shut my eyes and I could hear their screams.
But reading those things has only intensified this feeling, this passion that the Middle East know the light and truth and saving joy of Jesus Christ. No, satan can't have the Middle East. He won't have them. There's so much darkness there, so much twisted wickedness, the people are so deceived. But Jesus loves them. So much. And so do I.
Jesus, we want these people, these souls. They need Your truth. They're starved for Your freedom.
Lead me, God, show me what You want me to do. Tell me what to do. Tell me what to do.
I will go. Send me.
Ahhh....
We had this incredible concert at Bethel Temple tonight, Press Play, this amazing band was there. It was fun, it was all so infectious and crazy. You couldn't not jump around and sing at the top of your lungs! But what really resonated with me was how they were constantly giving glory to God. And they were so passionate about helping those in need, whether it be with the Dream Center, or child sponsorship, or what have you. It was so beautiful. And inspiring. And convicting.
Like...there's a world out there with so much evil and pain and suffering beyond description. And what am I doing about it?!
At first, I was grieved. And soooo overwhelmed. I was like "God! There's so much hurt! Too much hurt! What can I do?! I can't do anything, I can't change anything! I'm just one girl!"
But then I felt my heart go still. And I began to silently pray. Silently beg God to tell me what I should do. To give me a cause, a burden. To make it clear.
And then I heard it in my head, just a few beats later. The Middle East.
Now, I gotta admit. At first I was like "Nah..." but then I thought about it. I thought about the darkness there. The need. The despair.
And I began to pray again. I told God that I would go where He leads, but He has to make a way. He has to show me what to do. And then I told Him that satan would not have those people. That he couldn't have them, that they were His.
So then I go home, still pondering it all, singing Press Play songs. And I get on Facebook and immediately see these links that a mentor of mine posted to these articles from Voice of the Martyrs. And guess what they're about? Violence against Christians in the Middle East. Pakistan and Afghanistan, to clarify. One was about Muslim extremists raping young Christian girls in unspeakable ways in Pakistan. The other was about the Taliban killing Christian aid workers in Afghanistan.
I don't believe in coincidences. And I don't believe that I saw those things by chance. In fact, I'm CERTAIN that the enemy wanted to use those horrific stories to scare me off. And I'm not going to lie, they did scare me a little bit. When they described, even in the tiniest detail, what those men did to those young Pakistani Christian girls I got sick to my stomach. I shut my eyes and I could hear their screams.
But reading those things has only intensified this feeling, this passion that the Middle East know the light and truth and saving joy of Jesus Christ. No, satan can't have the Middle East. He won't have them. There's so much darkness there, so much twisted wickedness, the people are so deceived. But Jesus loves them. So much. And so do I.
Jesus, we want these people, these souls. They need Your truth. They're starved for Your freedom.
Lead me, God, show me what You want me to do. Tell me what to do. Tell me what to do.
I will go. Send me.
It's still true to me.
In spite of everything that's happened, in my own life and in this world, I still believe that love never fails. I still believe that two people can fall out of their minds in love with each other, get married, and stay together for the rest of their lives. I'll never lose faith in love. Ever. 1 Corinthians 13:8
Monday, August 16, 2010
When I grow up, I want a house with radiators...
Really old ones with character that do that thing where they sigh. I want to paint my front door yellow. And I want a yellow kitchen, with a yellow tea kettle and an elephant teapot. And a real fireplace to light candles in in the summer and burn wood in the winter. And a spiral staircase. And a balcony. And I’d want to live on the sea, so I could always hear the waves. Ahh, that’d be so perfect. And I’d have a husband. A husband who puts God first, then me and our family. A man after God’s own heart. He’d take care of me and kiss my forehead and hold my hand for no reason, just because. And he’d bring me home bouquets of sunflowers just because he knows how happy it makes me. And we'd tell each other "I love you" all the time, not just when we're saying good bye. He’d call me “baby” and “babe” and I’d call him “noor” and “darling.” But not in that fake, "let’s call each other these endearing names cuz people are around" way, we’d do it genuinely. And we’d raise our children in this perfect house by the sea with the yellow front door. Children with messy hair and bright eyes that are full of laughter. Adventurous, creative, curious, imaginative children who want to grow up to make the world a better place. Children with names like Laila and Zane and Judah and Tessa. Maybe Roya and Soraya. Some adopted, some not.
This is my “house with the white picket fence” dream. Every girl’s permitted one, so this is mine, no matter how ridiculous and corny and sappy it sounds. I feel like such a nine year old girl writing this, but it was kind of fun. To dream. Maybe someday.
This is my “house with the white picket fence” dream. Every girl’s permitted one, so this is mine, no matter how ridiculous and corny and sappy it sounds. I feel like such a nine year old girl writing this, but it was kind of fun. To dream. Maybe someday.
So, you've probably noticed, but I love lists.
They're so organized and simple. It's such an easy brain-dump method.
So, here's what I'm thinking about:
-What I should write about for my college application essay. Ideas include being culturally diverse, my orange cell phone named Nikhil, mispronounciations of my last name, and feet. Don't ask about that last one. I'm hoping to somehow string all my ideas together in an interesting, flow-y way that will paint a picture of who I am. Oh, and make colleges want me.
-How much I want to learn Farsi, but don't have the money for Rosetta Stone or the patience for a book.
Hmm....that's pretty much it.
I was looking back at my older posts and I could NOT believe I let nearly four months go by without blogging once. That huge gap is going to bother me, so to satisfy my compulsion to fill the blank space, here is (you guessed it) yet another list!
The (somewhat) interesting things I did/achieved from April to August:
[You're just burning with curiousity, I can tell... ;)]
-Took the SAT and got a 1740, not too bad. But I'm taking it again in October in order to, hopefully, score higher.
-Watched my friends in the Class of 2010 graduate, and officially became a senior in high school.
-Became a slightly better driver. And noticed an increase in road-rage.
-Got my hair to the longest it's ever been. Seriously, this is a big deal to me. I've always had short hair, like all my life.
-Narrowed down my list to 5 schools. University of Virginia, Columbia University, Southeastern University, University of Tampa, and Virginia Commonwealth University.
-Took part in random adventures with unforgettable people.
Yep.
So, here's what I'm thinking about:
-What I should write about for my college application essay. Ideas include being culturally diverse, my orange cell phone named Nikhil, mispronounciations of my last name, and feet. Don't ask about that last one. I'm hoping to somehow string all my ideas together in an interesting, flow-y way that will paint a picture of who I am. Oh, and make colleges want me.
-How much I want to learn Farsi, but don't have the money for Rosetta Stone or the patience for a book.
Hmm....that's pretty much it.
I was looking back at my older posts and I could NOT believe I let nearly four months go by without blogging once. That huge gap is going to bother me, so to satisfy my compulsion to fill the blank space, here is (you guessed it) yet another list!
The (somewhat) interesting things I did/achieved from April to August:
[You're just burning with curiousity, I can tell... ;)]
-Took the SAT and got a 1740, not too bad. But I'm taking it again in October in order to, hopefully, score higher.
-Watched my friends in the Class of 2010 graduate, and officially became a senior in high school.
-Became a slightly better driver. And noticed an increase in road-rage.
-Got my hair to the longest it's ever been. Seriously, this is a big deal to me. I've always had short hair, like all my life.
-Narrowed down my list to 5 schools. University of Virginia, Columbia University, Southeastern University, University of Tampa, and Virginia Commonwealth University.
-Took part in random adventures with unforgettable people.
Yep.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
But, summer, you've only just arrived!
Oyy.
How is it August already? It feels like summer just got here...and yet it's practically over. And I haven't really done much of anything. I hate this feeling of waste. This has definitely been a dud of a summer. Not nearly as many adventures as I'd hoped.
Here's some of the stuff I did:
(Not in any particular order)
-Read like a billion books, none of them actually on the school's reading list. (so now I have 3 weeks to read the ones that I'm supposed to..ehh, no problem)
-Weenie-sat an adorable dachsund named Maddie :)
-Had a banana suit adventure
-Saw Inception (In.Cred.Ible.)
-Thought about college and scholarships
-Stressed about college and scholarships
-Hung out with my best friend and had some hilarious times (Mailbox!!!!)
-Decided I really want to start skateboarding again
-Didn't not not study for the SAT....
There's tons more, but not really as much as I would've liked.
So, anyway. Senior year starts in three weeks and I'm excited/nervous.
Excited: It's finally here, after all these years! It feels like just yesterday that I was a scared little freshman, and yet here I am at the top of the food chain! It doesn't seem real.
Nervous: Applying to colleges, scholarships, FAFSA, all this stuff that always seemed so far off is right here now. It's just kind of intimidating...and overwhelming.
But I know the good outweighs the not so good, and I know that this year is going to fly by. So even though I'm sad to see the close of this seemingly-wasted summer, let's go, senior year. Bring it on.
How is it August already? It feels like summer just got here...and yet it's practically over. And I haven't really done much of anything. I hate this feeling of waste. This has definitely been a dud of a summer. Not nearly as many adventures as I'd hoped.
Here's some of the stuff I did:
(Not in any particular order)
-Read like a billion books, none of them actually on the school's reading list. (so now I have 3 weeks to read the ones that I'm supposed to..ehh, no problem)
-Weenie-sat an adorable dachsund named Maddie :)
-Had a banana suit adventure
-Saw Inception (In.Cred.Ible.)
-Thought about college and scholarships
-Stressed about college and scholarships
-Hung out with my best friend and had some hilarious times (Mailbox!!!!)
-Decided I really want to start skateboarding again
-Didn't not not study for the SAT....
There's tons more, but not really as much as I would've liked.
So, anyway. Senior year starts in three weeks and I'm excited/nervous.
Excited: It's finally here, after all these years! It feels like just yesterday that I was a scared little freshman, and yet here I am at the top of the food chain! It doesn't seem real.
Nervous: Applying to colleges, scholarships, FAFSA, all this stuff that always seemed so far off is right here now. It's just kind of intimidating...and overwhelming.
But I know the good outweighs the not so good, and I know that this year is going to fly by. So even though I'm sad to see the close of this seemingly-wasted summer, let's go, senior year. Bring it on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)