Under the Persimmon Tree.

They're beautiful. And when they get to be really, really big, their branches twist and entangle themselves in each other in a way I think is sooo cool. I hope I can have one someday, to look up at the sky through its mess of branches.
I stayed home from school today. Somehwat because I felt sick...but mostly because I just wanted to hide. I couldn't handle school today. Why? I don't know, really. My days start off good but have this way of getting lousy after lunch. Oh, and sometimes by 3rd period...yeah, Chemistry's kind of good at ruining my day, too. And it's not even that they're, like, terrible. It's just that they're not good. People keep telling me that senior year is supposed to be fun, which makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Which maybe I am...I don't mean to dwell on the negativity, it just kinda happens sometimes. I'm sure it WILL get fun...soon enough. But right now all I see is cruddy Chemistry grades, an unexplainable feeling of sadness that comes out of nowhere for no reason, a mountain of stuff to do for college and no one who will answer my questions.
On a more thoughtful note... I love my Dad. Sometimes I just hug him over and over again for no reason.
I mean, I know my parents aren't perfect. I know things have been hard. Really hard. And messed up. But he's been a pretty darn good father to me in a lot of ways.
I love the way he doesn't like to eat alone, so he'll come get me to sit with him. And how he's been addicted to Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream for as long as I can remember and that's like the only ice cream he will ever buy. Which makes me think that when he's gone, I'll probably buy lots of it so I can eat it and feel close to him. If that notion sounded kinda morbid and weird...I definitely didn't mean it to. It's just what I'm thinking about. This past summer when I couldn't fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning, he would come sit with me on the couch downstairs and we'd whisper about all kinds of stuff while watching the 700 Club. I will treasure those nights.
My Dad gave me my last name. Culture. A people. And, you know what? I'm really, really, really grateful for that. Yes, it makes me different. But that's just it. It makes me different.
Yesterday, on the way home from school, my car was running waaaay on empty (courtesy of my Dad...but that's a whole different story for another day), so I had to stop at a 7-11 and get what gas I could. I only had three bucks on me, which, if you know me, is a lot considering I'm usually broke. So anyway, the cashier was an older man with an accent I somewhat recognized. He seemed really good-natured, and his eyes shone with a kind of blue I'd never seen before. I asked him if I could have three dollars on pump seven, please. And he said, "Three dollars on pump seven? Sure." with his warm accent. Then I thanked him and he looked at me and asked, "Where're you from?"
Usually getting asked that would annoy me. But only because it's ignorant people that ask it. And a lot of the time, those people don't ask because they care, they ask because any kind of difference than them must be addressed. If that makes any sense at all. It does to me. But anyway. When this guy asked, I didn't feel any sort of flicker of discomfort or irritation. I felt honored.
I smiled and told him my Dad is Persian but I'm from here.
"Persian...Iran, right? Where?" He had this lovely look on his face then, and I knew that this man identified with me somehow, and I liked it a lot.
I told him Natanz and then he asked me where I thought he was from. I had somewhat of an idea, but I didn't want to offend him so I guessed something close to where I thought it actually might be.
I shrugged, "Russia?"
He laughed and told me no. "Afghanistan," he said with pride. And I think he said Pakistan as well, but I can't remember. Which would mean somewhere around Kandahar.
I was really, genuinely thrilled. I'm a huge Khaled Hosseini fan and that area captivates me, for real.
I couldn't hide my excitement and was like "Really?!" and then I spoke to him in Farsi. Which, now that I think about it, was a little ignorant of me because he probably speaks Urdu or Pashto, it's Kabul and more of Western Afghanistan that speaks Farsi. And even then, it's a different dialect.
But, nevertheless, the man smiled broadly. "I know I don't really look Afghani," he began. But I told him he did, in the eyes.
Because Afghans have the most beautiful eyes, they really do. So light and fair and full of light.
And then I told him it was very, very nice to meet him. And I left to go pump my gas. He wasn't wearing a name tag, so I don't know his name. But I will definitely be stopping by that 7-11 more often for more glimpses of him. Why? I don't know, really. Just because.

Falling Slowly. This song knows me.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Khaled Hosseini says things like nobody else can.

“I firmly believed that if I had picked up a rifle and gone on a murdering rampage, I would have still had the benefit of her unblinking love. Because I have rid her heart of its greatest malady. I had relieved her of the greatest fear of every Afghan mother: that no honorable khastegar would ask for her daughter’s hand. That her daughter would age alone, husband-less, childless. Every woman needed a husband. Even if he did silence the song in her.” -The Kite Runner

"And then one day I said to him, I said, 'What will it be? Are you going to ask for my hand or are you going to make me come khastegari to you?' I said it just like that. You should have seen the face on him!" -A Thousand Splendid Suns

I've been thinking a lot about family...

How I don't really have that big, loud, everybody gets on each other's nerves, everybody knows everybody's business, laughing, annoying, loving kind of family. I've always kinda wanted that. I mean, it's not that I don't have a family outside of my parents and brother, I do. But my Mom's side is so tiny, no cousins, two uncles, and a Grandma who can have deep conversations about why you never end a sentence with a preposition or the writing styles of Jane Austen versus Lord Byron but won't bake brownies like other people's grandmas do(not that there's anything wrong with that!). And my Dad's side? Well. They're pretty much strangers, most of them. I mean, I have one Aunt and Uncle who live in Virginia Beach and they're great, but the rest of them live in Iran. I probably have about a thousand cousins over there (if you count first, second, and third cousins) that I've never met and who probably have no idea that I exist. But I'm okay with that. The idea of them is cool, but I don't really know if we would have much in common anyway. Not that that matters, it's just...well, I don't know. It's complicated. Iran is complicated. Family is complicated.
But, yeah. I've always kinda wondered what it would be like to be a part of a big, loud kind of family. And I'm hoping to marry into one, though I know it won't be the same. But I've also realized that for what I lack in family and connections by blood, God has blessed me abundantly in friendships. He's given me adoptive families. Mother-figures and fathers and sisters and brothers that I feel so at home with. And I'm so grateful for that. He has blessed me so richly with incredible people who've let me in, shared their lives with me, taught me so much, shown me how to be a woman, a wife, a mother. When I think about that, I know that He's given me all the family I need.

From a mess to the masses...

Nothing really monumental or world-changing to say.
So you know what that means!
Why, yes.
A list!
Here's what's up:
-Lisztomania by Phoenix is officially one of my favorite songs.
-Still haven't gotten all my school supplies and school clothes shopping done.
-Not having money is really, really, really lame.
-I want to try Moroccan Oil hair products SOOOOOO bad.
-I'm in love with elephant stuff. Like today I saw this yellow ceramic elephant and about had a stroke, it was so beautiful. And thus another obsession is born.

Oh, boo hoo.

I'm sick.
And I've been having this pain in my chest when I breathe.
And I'm freaking out about college. And how I'm going to pay for it. And where the heck I'm going to go.
I've put this in God's hands SO many times. But I just keep taking it back all over again. And for what? So I can worry about my needs and how I feel and what I'm going to do and what I'm thinking and how I'll look and wahh wahh wahh.

Shut up.
Calm down.
He's God, you're not.
Be still.

A memory.

I'm 15 years old. My hair is short and crazy and I'm coated with a thin layer of dust. EVERYWHERE. It's up my nose, in my ears, in the corners of my eyes.
I've just spent ten or more hours in a bus on an endless road in a strange land. If you could call it a road. At some point the asphalt stopped and it was just dust and potholes and craters. I know the drive was impossibly long, but it's funny, I don't remember time passing. But I remember listening to Veggie Tales' "Barbara Manatee" on Sarah's iPod over and over and over. We'd driven through jungles, at least to me they were jungles. And passed fields of sunflowers and tea plantations and rolling hills. We passed through cities with strange names like Gulu, and others that escape my memory.
Finally, after hours of uncertainty and getting thrown around by bumps, we arrived in Kitgum, Uganda. A city on the border of Sudan that is still recovering from a devastating and horrific war.
War. At 15 that word makes me nervous. Will we be safe? I wanted to know. What will we see? What kind of stories will we hear?
It was pitch black when we arrived at the house we would be staying at for the next week. And there's not really much electricity in Kitgum.
We're being led to our room, and it's separate from the rest of the house. It's a short walk from everyone else and everything, including the toilet. I'm covered in dust from the endless drive, tired and hungry. And I'm in a place that, if you'd told me just a year earlier that I'd ever be, I wouldn't have believed you. I might've laughed at you. I'm walking on a dirt path with Sarah, a flashlight in my hand, towards our room.
When we're about halfway there, I look up.
And I see something I know I will never forget for as long as I live. The sky is covered, splattered, PACKED with more stars than I've ever seen in my entire existence. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and, for a moment, I can't breathe. I can't move. I just stand there, under this African sky. This black night that is littered with so much light, so many clusters of endless constellations and planets and galaxies that God all made.
I've never felt so small. I've never seen such a....well, such a sky.
They just don't make 'em like that back home.

Places to go before I die.

India.
New Zealand.
Morocco.
Iran.
Afghanistan.
Pakistan.
Spain.
Sri Lanka.
Philippines.
Australia.
Germany.
Italy.
France.
Thailand.
South Africa.
Nigeria.
China.
Tajikistan.
Nepal.
Japan.
Indonesia.
Some of them are pretty random, I know. But I'd love to be able to see all of these places. When people ask me where I would love to travel to, I always say "everywhere." And I mean it!

I don't believe in coincidences.

Where do I start?
Ahhh....
We had this incredible concert at Bethel Temple tonight, Press Play, this amazing band was there. It was fun, it was all so infectious and crazy. You couldn't not jump around and sing at the top of your lungs! But what really resonated with me was how they were constantly giving glory to God. And they were so passionate about helping those in need, whether it be with the Dream Center, or child sponsorship, or what have you. It was so beautiful. And inspiring. And convicting.
Like...there's a world out there with so much evil and pain and suffering beyond description. And what am I doing about it?!
At first, I was grieved. And soooo overwhelmed. I was like "God! There's so much hurt! Too much hurt! What can I do?! I can't do anything, I can't change anything! I'm just one girl!"
But then I felt my heart go still. And I began to silently pray. Silently beg God to tell me what I should do. To give me a cause, a burden. To make it clear.
And then I heard it in my head, just a few beats later. The Middle East.
Now, I gotta admit. At first I was like "Nah..." but then I thought about it. I thought about the darkness there. The need. The despair.
And I began to pray again. I told God that I would go where He leads, but He has to make a way. He has to show me what to do. And then I told Him that satan would not have those people. That he couldn't have them, that they were His.
So then I go home, still pondering it all, singing Press Play songs. And I get on Facebook and immediately see these links that a mentor of mine posted to these articles from Voice of the Martyrs. And guess what they're about? Violence against Christians in the Middle East. Pakistan and Afghanistan, to clarify. One was about Muslim extremists raping young Christian girls in unspeakable ways in Pakistan. The other was about the Taliban killing Christian aid workers in Afghanistan.
I don't believe in coincidences. And I don't believe that I saw those things by chance. In fact, I'm CERTAIN that the enemy wanted to use those horrific stories to scare me off. And I'm not going to lie, they did scare me a little bit. When they described, even in the tiniest detail, what those men did to those young Pakistani Christian girls I got sick to my stomach. I shut my eyes and I could hear their screams.
But reading those things has only intensified this feeling, this passion that the Middle East know the light and truth and saving joy of Jesus Christ. No, satan can't have the Middle East. He won't have them. There's so much darkness there, so much twisted wickedness, the people are so deceived. But Jesus loves them. So much. And so do I.
Jesus, we want these people, these souls. They need Your truth. They're starved for Your freedom.
Lead me, God, show me what You want me to do. Tell me what to do. Tell me what to do.



I will go. Send me.

It's still true to me.

In spite of everything that's happened, in my own life and in this world, I still believe that love never fails. I still believe that two people can fall out of their minds in love with each other, get married, and stay together for the rest of their lives. I'll never lose faith in love. Ever. 1 Corinthians 13:8

When I grow up, I want a house with radiators...

Really old ones with character that do that thing where they sigh. I want to paint my front door yellow. And I want a yellow kitchen, with a yellow tea kettle and an elephant teapot. And a real fireplace to light candles in in the summer and burn wood in the winter. And a spiral staircase. And a balcony. And I’d want to live on the sea, so I could always hear the waves. Ahh, that’d be so perfect. And I’d have a husband. A husband who puts God first, then me and our family. A man after God’s own heart. He’d take care of me and kiss my forehead and hold my hand for no reason, just because. And he’d bring me home bouquets of sunflowers just because he knows how happy it makes me. And we'd tell each other "I love you" all the time, not just when we're saying good bye. He’d call me “baby” and “babe” and I’d call him “noor” and “darling.” But not in that fake, "let’s call each other these endearing names cuz people are around" way, we’d do it genuinely. And we’d raise our children in this perfect house by the sea with the yellow front door. Children with messy hair and bright eyes that are full of laughter. Adventurous, creative, curious, imaginative children who want to grow up to make the world a better place. Children with names like Laila and Zane and Judah and Tessa. Maybe Roya and Soraya. Some adopted, some not.
This is my “house with the white picket fence” dream. Every girl’s permitted one, so this is mine, no matter how ridiculous and corny and sappy it sounds. I feel like such a nine year old girl writing this, but it was kind of fun. To dream. Maybe someday.

So, you've probably noticed, but I love lists.

They're so organized and simple. It's such an easy brain-dump method.
So, here's what I'm thinking about:
-What I should write about for my college application essay. Ideas include being culturally diverse, my orange cell phone named Nikhil, mispronounciations of my last name, and feet. Don't ask about that last one. I'm hoping to somehow string all my ideas together in an interesting, flow-y way that will paint a picture of who I am. Oh, and make colleges want me.
-How much I want to learn Farsi, but don't have the money for Rosetta Stone or the patience for a book.
Hmm....that's pretty much it.

I was looking back at my older posts and I could NOT believe I let nearly four months go by without blogging once. That huge gap is going to bother me, so to satisfy my compulsion to fill the blank space, here is (you guessed it) yet another list!
The (somewhat) interesting things I did/achieved from April to August:
[You're just burning with curiousity, I can tell... ;)]
-Took the SAT and got a 1740, not too bad. But I'm taking it again in October in order to, hopefully, score higher.
-Watched my friends in the Class of 2010 graduate, and officially became a senior in high school.
-Became a slightly better driver. And noticed an increase in road-rage.
-Got my hair to the longest it's ever been. Seriously, this is a big deal to me. I've always had short hair, like all my life.
-Narrowed down my list to 5 schools. University of Virginia, Columbia University, Southeastern University, University of Tampa, and Virginia Commonwealth University.
-Took part in random adventures with unforgettable people.
Yep.

But, summer, you've only just arrived!

Oyy.
How is it August already? It feels like summer just got here...and yet it's practically over. And I haven't really done much of anything. I hate this feeling of waste. This has definitely been a dud of a summer. Not nearly as many adventures as I'd hoped.
Here's some of the stuff I did:
(Not in any particular order)
-Read like a billion books, none of them actually on the school's reading list. (so now I have 3 weeks to read the ones that I'm supposed to..ehh, no problem)
-Weenie-sat an adorable dachsund named Maddie :)
-Had a banana suit adventure
-Saw Inception (In.Cred.Ible.)
-Thought about college and scholarships
-Stressed about college and scholarships
-Hung out with my best friend and had some hilarious times (Mailbox!!!!)
-Decided I really want to start skateboarding again
-Didn't not not study for the SAT....
There's tons more, but not really as much as I would've liked.

So, anyway. Senior year starts in three weeks and I'm excited/nervous.
Excited: It's finally here, after all these years! It feels like just yesterday that I was a scared little freshman, and yet here I am at the top of the food chain! It doesn't seem real.
Nervous: Applying to colleges, scholarships, FAFSA, all this stuff that always seemed so far off is right here now. It's just kind of intimidating...and overwhelming.
But I know the good outweighs the not so good, and I know that this year is going to fly by. So even though I'm sad to see the close of this seemingly-wasted summer, let's go, senior year. Bring it on.

I just wanna say that...

You know you're running really, really ridiculously late when you have to eat your breakfast in the shower. Yeah, that was me this morning.

I love making lists.

It's a simple, uncomplicated way of getting my thoughts out, so here...
Things that made me happy this week:
-Sparrows
-Study Hall
-Long talks with Sarah
-Brownies
-African bird pepper (it hurts so good, you should try it)
-Creeping on the people in the car next to us
-Standing in Farm Fresh for like an hour just reading magazines
-The fact that my Mom bought Hebrew National hot dogs just for me, because she knows they're my favorite. It's not a kosher thing, I just think they taste the best.
-Popsicles
-Talking to Bethany during Love Comes Softly ;)
-Texting Natasha even though it's super late
-Crazy, random, yet hilarious dreams
-Watching Glee for the first time ever
-Natasha's morning texts
-Finishing the Scarlet Letter in English class. Yeah, baby! No more warped, Hawthorne symbolism for this girl!
-Chelsea Cameron
-The fact that Jesse and Sunnee's wedding is in 3 weeks!
-Talking to both twins on the phone at the same time, it had been so long since we did that
-Waking up with songs in my head
-Quotes from Shakespeare and Gandhi
-Switchfoot
-Expanding my vocabulary (Extrapolate, incoherent, didactic, conjecture, adroit...)
-Sarah's quirky creativity...man, I love that girl
-Thoughts of summer

Well, that's pretty much it. I just like life so much more when I dwell on the positive.

If I could go back.

I'd like to sit down with her, with my 13 year old self
And tell her so many things
The me back then was so...so lost
That's the only way I can put it
I know 4 years doesn't seem that long
And the gap of 13 to 17 seems pretty tiny in the long-run
But, to me, it's like that girl wasn't even me
And the person I think of when I picture myself then
That person I think of doesn't exist anymore
But if I could reach her somehow
Pull her aside at the skatepark, as she was snapping on her red helmet
I would look into her face, into her eyes
Her eyes that are guarded, hiding so many, many things
Her eyes that are flooded with an echoing sadness, a whispering shame
And I'd tell her all the things, the beautiful, wondrous things God has in store for her
I'd tell her that He is a Jealous Lover, and all this other stuff she's chasing after is a big, fat waste of time
And that she shouldn't worry about these people, these things, that are all so temporary
But the most important thing I'd want to tell her
Isn't really anything I can put into words
Actually, she'd just have to learn it for herself
And, by the grace of God, she did
I did.

Because the girl I'd like to go back and have a word with
The girl in the torn up skate shoes that was choking on regrets
That girl isn't me
She isn't real anymore
Because a Savior reached out his nail-punctured hand
Because a Carpenter called to me, called my name
And I finally had the sense to listen, to look up
Because of this Lord, this Jesus of Nazareth, my Lord
I'm not who I was
I'm not who I was.
And that's something that girl, the 13 year old me, will understand in time.

Various Idiosyncrasies...

1. I have this thing for birds. I can't explain it.

(Photo by the very lovely and talented Sarah Youmans)

2. And whenever I see them, like a flock of them, I chase them. I can't help it.

(Photo by the very lovely and talented Sarah Youmans, whom I love and share a brain with)

3. I really want a basset hound like this:


4. My dream car is a green Toyota FJ Cruiser. Yes, really.


&

5. I wish I had hair like Freida Pinto.


That's all for the random, off topic-ness. Mostly I just wanted to mess around with the picture uploader, see how it works.
So there ya go.

"That which is before you is less than what you've come through."

That's an old Yoruba saying that encouraged me so much. Thanks, Natasha :)
Lately I've just been so anxious to finish school and move on with my life. And, as my junior year is coming to a close, I get so restless when I think about how I have a whole year to get through before I'm finally free. Before I can graduate. But "that which I have before me is less than what I've come through." I have so much behind me, and just a little left to go. I'm just impatient sometimes. In a rush for what lies ahead.
And yet, there's so much to look forward to in the meantime, so many beautiful moments in between. To be honest, if I fast-forwarded my life to my graduation, skipping over everything else, I'd feel pretty cheated. There would be so much I missed out on. So many inside jokes, holidays, conversations. Moments of uncontrollable laughter, of awe, of sheer wonder. I would miss out on those experiences. Those lovely, memorable instances and occurences and incidents. The times spent with people I love, people that inspire me, people that speak into my life. There's so much that takes place in the midst of waiting. So much that touches your heart, cracks you up, moves your spirit. So much happens in the season that leads up to what you've been so restlessly awaiting, what you've been counting down the days for.
And, even those days when the wait seems maddening, even those days when it seems like graduation will never come, I don't want to miss any of it. I don't want to miss any of those beautiful in-between moments. Because, really, each new day is a gift, and there will never, ever be another one like it. And I know that someday soon (though it doesn't seem soon now), high school, graduation, all of it will be in the past, just in my memory.
This time of expectancy, this time of eagerness and impatience, is a gift all its own. A season filled with so many wondrous, hilarious, joyful, terrible, trivial, astonishing, tender, devastating, warm, aching, amusing, breath-taking moments that bide the time. The wait is a gift in itself. Without the wait, we wouldn't have anything to look forward to.

Abundant sunshine

I was watching the Weather Channel this morning, and the forecast for today was "Abundant Sunshine"
This made me smile, because it feels like this whole week has been abundant sunshine. It's been a great spring break, it really has. Short, but awesome.
(Ok, I have this thing for making lists. So, expect them a lot.)
Here's how I spent my spring break:
-Catching up on sleep. Ah.
-Laying out in my backyard and getting deep-fried by the sun because I was stingy with the sunscreen.
-Sitting in on a class at Bethel College
-Hanging out with Bethel Master's Commission, observing what they do, what their days are like, and whatnot.
-More chillin with Master's. They're all really, really awesome people. And, just being around them, you can tell God's hand is on them. They are full of such light and such promise, God has incredible things in store for them!
-Spending the night at Natasha's house. Long, hilarious, late-night conversations over delicious Nigerian food, Mulan at 3 am, How to Train Your Dragon, loitering in Books a Million,and so much more. We decided that we're spiritual twins :)
-Spending the day with some of my Fine Arts teammates. Playing games, eating pizza, talking, making epic techno dance videos in the elevator, and such.
-And pretty much just enjoying the much-needed taste of summer and break from school.

It's been a really fun spring break. Full of amazing people, memorable and hilarious conversations, and just general tomfoolery.