Darling. I see you. I know you're wondering where I am. But I'm coming. I am.
You. Yes, you. The one that answered the phone all those times I needed to hear someone's voice. You are so beautiful and unique and worthy of love and affection and devotion. It's going to take someone worthy. Someone really worthy. But he's out there. And my heart hurts to know how much you hurt. I love you. So much. Even if it's not what you're wanting, it's there.
Girl. Stop it. Please, you're tearing me up inside.
It's raining right now.
And now it's not.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
It's been a long time. But I have returned!
Seven months. It's been seven. months. Since I last blogged. And, oh, have I missed it.
So, you see, what happened was. I may or may not have tried out tumblr. Okay, I did.
And I thought it was pretty great. But, just for the record, I had no intention of ditching this blog. I love this blog, I wouldn't do that. But, okay, so tumblr was fun and all until it gave my little pink laptop a horrendous virus and pretty much killed it. For real, she's dead. Forever. I trusted tumblr and that's what it did to me. :( It had a sketch side to it anyway, I'm better off without it. But I really miss my laptop.
So, I haven't been able to get on my blog with my laptop being dead. The only other computer I have access to has a really strict, temperamental filter that blocked blogger for some reason. But then when I tried today it let me through! So yay! I'm not really sure why, but I won't question it.
So, man. There's no way I can fill you in on everything that's gone on in the past half a year or so. But it's been...it's been good. It's been crazy. But God is so good.
This has been (some of) my life:
-Decided in March that I wanted to go to Regent University.
-Graduated from high school with high honors and was the Christian Leadership Award recipient for the class of 2011.
-Found out in mid-July that Regent just wasn't going to work out. Loooong story.
-Decided I'd go to Thomas Nelson Community College for a year and transfer somewhere else.
And then, you see, I went there. To that place. I can't even describe what made it so horrible besides just the utter wrong-ness of it. I seriously have never cried more than when I started going there. I just hated it. So much. I was miserable and not learning anything besides "How to Lose Faith in Mankind 101."
So, I dropped all my classes, returned my books, and got a refund.
Sooo, looks like I'm taking the semester off. The plan is to work, save up some cash, and get ready to start college (REAL college) in the spring.
My list of constructive, semi-adult things I plan to do while taking a gap semester:
-Work. I got a job. In the cutest coffee shop ever called EspressOasis. I'm a barista. I've seriously always wanted to be a barista and it is GLORIOUS. I love it so much I can't even describe it. The best part is the smell. Coffee. Espresso. Vanilla. Chai. YESSS. And, for real, it just suits me like destiny. I get to wear this awesome purple apron and meet/talk to people and make drinks and it is just so fun. For real. So, I'll be taking on more shifts. Because I can. And because I love it.
-Getting into/getting ready for/saving up for/getting grants and scholarships and taking out loans for college. I'm thinking Liberty University. Also a very long story with God all up in it. Okay, yes, I hated on it. I made zombie brain-washing jokes and told my friends who were going there not to drink the kool-aid. But it's different now. I'm different. And too many God-things have happened for me not to think it's the place for me.
-Teaching myself Farsi. I finally have time. I'm going to do it.
-Skateboard. Okay, not very grown up. But who cares? Girls skate for free at Meko's ALL THE TIME. I'd be dumb not to take advantage while I'm still here!
-Master the interstate. Because I'm still intimidated.
-Chain-read. And write. A lot. This blog will be very busy, I think. :)
Hmm, what else? I guess that's all I got for now.
So today was my last day at Thomas Nelson and it was actually pretty cool. I went over there (for the last time!!!!) to return my books and get whatever money I could for them (college book stores are nothing but glorified robbery). Then I was going to meet up with my friend Sam. We were going to have lunch and skype Valerie (his girlfriend and one of my best friends in the universe).
As I'm making my way over to meet him, I hear someone calling my name. I look over and see a guy I knew from middle school. We were in the same English class this semester, so we both knew the other went here but I hadn't been expecting to run into him today. Now, okay, to be honest here, I don't particularly like running into this guy. He makes me uncomfortable. But not for the reason you'd think. I don't like seeing him because it makes me remember how wrong I treated him in middle school. Everyone did, and it was not okay at all. So, even though I've apologized to him and asked the Lord to forgive me, I would still feel a little ashamed whenever I ran into him. Today wasn't any different. So, automatically, I'm thinking "oh great..." He says he needs some advice and that he's sinned. Again, my brain's going "SOS. Abort. Abort."
Now, this guy knows I'm a Christian. In fact, that's all we really talked about whenever we had English class together. He could never get over how different I was from back in middle school and I couldn't stop telling him about Jesus.
So, I guess it would make sense for him to come to me today. But I'm no priest. And this is not a confessional. So, right up front, I tell him he doesn't have to tell me. He can tell Jesus and He will forgive Him, whatever it is. He tells me I'm right but he has a question for me. My mind racing, I ask, "What is it?" And he asks me what he can do to get his family back in church. This is something I'm personally dealing with right now with my brother, so I can relate. We talked for a few minutes, about how you can't force anyone to do anything, they have to want it for themselves. That's definitely something I've learned and it's so true. I told him, among other things, to pray for them and to lead by example. Then as we're walking I find myself telling him again about how much Jesus has changed my life, about how other things claim to be the answer but HE is the only answer. That He is the only thing that will truly change his life because He is the only one with the power. I tell him to remember that. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Then we parted ways. Who knows if I'll ever see him again? But I'm glad I got to say those things to him. I'm glad I was able to be used by God in that place one more time.
Oh, hey. My hair is short. And black. Valerie dyed it for me one night at like 11 pm because I asked her to. She did a great job, but I do kinda miss my natural color. It was fun to try it out, though, see how I liked it. I got my third hole, too. Like two days after graduating, I got it. So now just one ear has three holes. I have an elephant stud in it right now :) Still really obsessed with elephants. They're so majestic.
Ha, okay. What else to say? I feel like there's so much to fill you in on, but I really can't. There's been so much and yet there hasn't at the same time. Ah, well. That's all I have for now anyway, I covered the big stuff.
So, you see, what happened was. I may or may not have tried out tumblr. Okay, I did.
And I thought it was pretty great. But, just for the record, I had no intention of ditching this blog. I love this blog, I wouldn't do that. But, okay, so tumblr was fun and all until it gave my little pink laptop a horrendous virus and pretty much killed it. For real, she's dead. Forever. I trusted tumblr and that's what it did to me. :( It had a sketch side to it anyway, I'm better off without it. But I really miss my laptop.
So, I haven't been able to get on my blog with my laptop being dead. The only other computer I have access to has a really strict, temperamental filter that blocked blogger for some reason. But then when I tried today it let me through! So yay! I'm not really sure why, but I won't question it.
So, man. There's no way I can fill you in on everything that's gone on in the past half a year or so. But it's been...it's been good. It's been crazy. But God is so good.
This has been (some of) my life:
-Decided in March that I wanted to go to Regent University.
-Graduated from high school with high honors and was the Christian Leadership Award recipient for the class of 2011.
-Found out in mid-July that Regent just wasn't going to work out. Loooong story.
-Decided I'd go to Thomas Nelson Community College for a year and transfer somewhere else.
And then, you see, I went there. To that place. I can't even describe what made it so horrible besides just the utter wrong-ness of it. I seriously have never cried more than when I started going there. I just hated it. So much. I was miserable and not learning anything besides "How to Lose Faith in Mankind 101."
So, I dropped all my classes, returned my books, and got a refund.
Sooo, looks like I'm taking the semester off. The plan is to work, save up some cash, and get ready to start college (REAL college) in the spring.
My list of constructive, semi-adult things I plan to do while taking a gap semester:
-Work. I got a job. In the cutest coffee shop ever called EspressOasis. I'm a barista. I've seriously always wanted to be a barista and it is GLORIOUS. I love it so much I can't even describe it. The best part is the smell. Coffee. Espresso. Vanilla. Chai. YESSS. And, for real, it just suits me like destiny. I get to wear this awesome purple apron and meet/talk to people and make drinks and it is just so fun. For real. So, I'll be taking on more shifts. Because I can. And because I love it.
-Getting into/getting ready for/saving up for/getting grants and scholarships and taking out loans for college. I'm thinking Liberty University. Also a very long story with God all up in it. Okay, yes, I hated on it. I made zombie brain-washing jokes and told my friends who were going there not to drink the kool-aid. But it's different now. I'm different. And too many God-things have happened for me not to think it's the place for me.
-Teaching myself Farsi. I finally have time. I'm going to do it.
-Skateboard. Okay, not very grown up. But who cares? Girls skate for free at Meko's ALL THE TIME. I'd be dumb not to take advantage while I'm still here!
-Master the interstate. Because I'm still intimidated.
-Chain-read. And write. A lot. This blog will be very busy, I think. :)
Hmm, what else? I guess that's all I got for now.
So today was my last day at Thomas Nelson and it was actually pretty cool. I went over there (for the last time!!!!) to return my books and get whatever money I could for them (college book stores are nothing but glorified robbery). Then I was going to meet up with my friend Sam. We were going to have lunch and skype Valerie (his girlfriend and one of my best friends in the universe).
As I'm making my way over to meet him, I hear someone calling my name. I look over and see a guy I knew from middle school. We were in the same English class this semester, so we both knew the other went here but I hadn't been expecting to run into him today. Now, okay, to be honest here, I don't particularly like running into this guy. He makes me uncomfortable. But not for the reason you'd think. I don't like seeing him because it makes me remember how wrong I treated him in middle school. Everyone did, and it was not okay at all. So, even though I've apologized to him and asked the Lord to forgive me, I would still feel a little ashamed whenever I ran into him. Today wasn't any different. So, automatically, I'm thinking "oh great..." He says he needs some advice and that he's sinned. Again, my brain's going "SOS. Abort. Abort."
Now, this guy knows I'm a Christian. In fact, that's all we really talked about whenever we had English class together. He could never get over how different I was from back in middle school and I couldn't stop telling him about Jesus.
So, I guess it would make sense for him to come to me today. But I'm no priest. And this is not a confessional. So, right up front, I tell him he doesn't have to tell me. He can tell Jesus and He will forgive Him, whatever it is. He tells me I'm right but he has a question for me. My mind racing, I ask, "What is it?" And he asks me what he can do to get his family back in church. This is something I'm personally dealing with right now with my brother, so I can relate. We talked for a few minutes, about how you can't force anyone to do anything, they have to want it for themselves. That's definitely something I've learned and it's so true. I told him, among other things, to pray for them and to lead by example. Then as we're walking I find myself telling him again about how much Jesus has changed my life, about how other things claim to be the answer but HE is the only answer. That He is the only thing that will truly change his life because He is the only one with the power. I tell him to remember that. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Then we parted ways. Who knows if I'll ever see him again? But I'm glad I got to say those things to him. I'm glad I was able to be used by God in that place one more time.
Oh, hey. My hair is short. And black. Valerie dyed it for me one night at like 11 pm because I asked her to. She did a great job, but I do kinda miss my natural color. It was fun to try it out, though, see how I liked it. I got my third hole, too. Like two days after graduating, I got it. So now just one ear has three holes. I have an elephant stud in it right now :) Still really obsessed with elephants. They're so majestic.
Ha, okay. What else to say? I feel like there's so much to fill you in on, but I really can't. There's been so much and yet there hasn't at the same time. Ah, well. That's all I have for now anyway, I covered the big stuff.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I have no idea what to title this.
I think the reason I've been so unhappy for a good year or so now is because I've been so focused on myself.
Okay, I'm not unhappy like miserable. Maybe unhappy is the wrong word, because I have been happy, maybe not like ALL the time, but I have been happy. I really have. I think maybe the word I'm looking for is unfulfilled.
Yes, that's definitely it. I've been so fixed on myself. I hate it. If you ask me, that's the worst way to be. I learned three years ago that the easiest way for me to be more joyful and at peace than I ever thought possible is to lose myself in helping others. That's what I need. That's what works for me. That's what God made me for.
But it's like I hit a wall this past year. I don't even want to bring it up, it hurts too much. I don't like talking about it. With anyone. I don't even know why, it doesn't make sense.
The wall is guilt.
It's kind of a long story, and I don't even really want to talk about it. Like I'm sitting here alone in my room, just me and the computer, and I can hardly bring myself to keep typing.
Guilt because... I don't even fully understand why. Guilt because I'm selfish and comfortable while so many people struggle every day just to stay alive. Guilt because there are children without parents who love them and are able to take care of them, children who rejoice for even one meal a day...every couple of days, even. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate all the need, the desperation, the cries for help. I hate this feeling I have in the back of my eyes, in my throat, of HELPLESSNESS. I feel powerless to do anything, to change anything. I feel guilt because I can't help.
It's this guilt that's caused me to shut down, to turn away. Because it hurts too much. It hurts too much to hear these stories, to feel these things, when there's this gnawing, aching sense of responsibility, this burden that I can't lift. No matter what I do, there will always be more. More need. Overwhelming, icy, putrid need.
I know that I am not responsible for all the poverty in the world, I know it isn't my fault and I can't meet every single need, no matter how much I may want to. I know that. But still there's this feeling of... Gosh, I don't know. This feeling like I abandoned those kids in Uganda. Because, in a way, I feel like I did. Maybe you, whoever reads this and really knows me and my heart will think different. But it feels to me like abandonment. Why? Because I couldn't take the hurt. It ripped me to shreds inside. So what did I do? I turned away. I ran and hid. I plugged my ears, to be brutally, painfully honest. Whenever one of those "Feed a child for a dollar a day" commercials came on, I changed the channel, muted it, whatever. Because it hurt too badly.
The guilt has paralyzed me. Disoriented me. And caused me to pretty much just focus on myself. I've hated it. I've never felt more useless. And I feel like it's just going to get worse if something doesn't change.
But this feeling. I've called it guilt, but the word "guilty" really doesn't even begin to describe how it is I feel.
But it will hurt more to carry on how I am than actually face this. I know that for a fact. I have to do something again. Go somewhere, change something, encourage, give of myself. Infect hope. That's why I'm here. That's what I need. That's what works for me. It's why God made me.
I don't know if anyone will even read this. If someone does, I just want to say how excruciatingly painful it was to say these things. But I feel like it had to be done. It had to be done or I was going to explode.
Okay, I'm not unhappy like miserable. Maybe unhappy is the wrong word, because I have been happy, maybe not like ALL the time, but I have been happy. I really have. I think maybe the word I'm looking for is unfulfilled.
Yes, that's definitely it. I've been so fixed on myself. I hate it. If you ask me, that's the worst way to be. I learned three years ago that the easiest way for me to be more joyful and at peace than I ever thought possible is to lose myself in helping others. That's what I need. That's what works for me. That's what God made me for.
But it's like I hit a wall this past year. I don't even want to bring it up, it hurts too much. I don't like talking about it. With anyone. I don't even know why, it doesn't make sense.
The wall is guilt.
It's kind of a long story, and I don't even really want to talk about it. Like I'm sitting here alone in my room, just me and the computer, and I can hardly bring myself to keep typing.
Guilt because... I don't even fully understand why. Guilt because I'm selfish and comfortable while so many people struggle every day just to stay alive. Guilt because there are children without parents who love them and are able to take care of them, children who rejoice for even one meal a day...every couple of days, even. I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate all the need, the desperation, the cries for help. I hate this feeling I have in the back of my eyes, in my throat, of HELPLESSNESS. I feel powerless to do anything, to change anything. I feel guilt because I can't help.
It's this guilt that's caused me to shut down, to turn away. Because it hurts too much. It hurts too much to hear these stories, to feel these things, when there's this gnawing, aching sense of responsibility, this burden that I can't lift. No matter what I do, there will always be more. More need. Overwhelming, icy, putrid need.
I know that I am not responsible for all the poverty in the world, I know it isn't my fault and I can't meet every single need, no matter how much I may want to. I know that. But still there's this feeling of... Gosh, I don't know. This feeling like I abandoned those kids in Uganda. Because, in a way, I feel like I did. Maybe you, whoever reads this and really knows me and my heart will think different. But it feels to me like abandonment. Why? Because I couldn't take the hurt. It ripped me to shreds inside. So what did I do? I turned away. I ran and hid. I plugged my ears, to be brutally, painfully honest. Whenever one of those "Feed a child for a dollar a day" commercials came on, I changed the channel, muted it, whatever. Because it hurt too badly.
The guilt has paralyzed me. Disoriented me. And caused me to pretty much just focus on myself. I've hated it. I've never felt more useless. And I feel like it's just going to get worse if something doesn't change.
But this feeling. I've called it guilt, but the word "guilty" really doesn't even begin to describe how it is I feel.
But it will hurt more to carry on how I am than actually face this. I know that for a fact. I have to do something again. Go somewhere, change something, encourage, give of myself. Infect hope. That's why I'm here. That's what I need. That's what works for me. It's why God made me.
I don't know if anyone will even read this. If someone does, I just want to say how excruciatingly painful it was to say these things. But I feel like it had to be done. It had to be done or I was going to explode.
Monday, February 14, 2011
This night is sparkling, don't you let it go.
Darling, it will be so enchanting to meet you.
Yes, it will be so enchanting to meet you.
Your bright eyes, meeting mine
Captivating, in a way that drives us both crazy
In a way that no one else could ever understand in a thousand years
But us
You'll ask to dance, to sit down, whatever
You'll ask me if we've met before
"I'm not sure..."
But by the end of that night, our perfect night
It will be like we're old friends, childhood sweethearts
We won't know what's just begun
What we've just started
But all we'll know is that it's something thrilling and charming and we don't want it to ever end
Darling, it will be so enchanting to meet you
Whenever I do, it will be so lovely, so exquisite to meet you
And when we finally force ourselves to say good bye, to part
I won't sleep, not even a few minutes, because of the storm, the tidal wave of colors raging in my heart
I'll breathe your name, over and over
Darling, it will be so enchanting to meet you when I finally do.
http://owlcitymusic.com/vday/
Yes, it will be so enchanting to meet you.
Your bright eyes, meeting mine
Captivating, in a way that drives us both crazy
In a way that no one else could ever understand in a thousand years
But us
You'll ask to dance, to sit down, whatever
You'll ask me if we've met before
"I'm not sure..."
But by the end of that night, our perfect night
It will be like we're old friends, childhood sweethearts
We won't know what's just begun
What we've just started
But all we'll know is that it's something thrilling and charming and we don't want it to ever end
Darling, it will be so enchanting to meet you
Whenever I do, it will be so lovely, so exquisite to meet you
And when we finally force ourselves to say good bye, to part
I won't sleep, not even a few minutes, because of the storm, the tidal wave of colors raging in my heart
I'll breathe your name, over and over
Darling, it will be so enchanting to meet you when I finally do.
http://owlcitymusic.com/vday/
Thursday, January 27, 2011
This is where things get heavy.
The book of Hosea just gets to me. I love it and it horrifies me. Something about it calls out to me, grasps for me, tears at the harlot in me, the selfish, terrified drug addict in me, the emptiness.
I am the unfaithful wife.
The prostitute.
I'm the naked drug addict, collapsed on the bathroom floor
Shivering against the icy tile, teeth chattering
Gasping at the sharp, throbbing pleasure and pain that washes over
Wincing and sighing at the shame mixed with relief
Temporary relief
Of a need I just don't even want anymore
I'm the harlot, the junkie
Shaking
Alone and selfish and aching and full of guilt and shaking and shaking and shaking
Scared
Always going back, running off, to the lovers with empty promises
"Come..." You always whisper, "let us reason together."
I feel your hands around my scarred, bruised up wrists, pulling me to my feet
"You're safe now. You're home again."
Your words and breath warm me
The trembling stops.
Selah.
I am the unfaithful wife.
The prostitute.
I'm the naked drug addict, collapsed on the bathroom floor
Shivering against the icy tile, teeth chattering
Gasping at the sharp, throbbing pleasure and pain that washes over
Wincing and sighing at the shame mixed with relief
Temporary relief
Of a need I just don't even want anymore
I'm the harlot, the junkie
Shaking
Alone and selfish and aching and full of guilt and shaking and shaking and shaking
Scared
Always going back, running off, to the lovers with empty promises
"Come..." You always whisper, "let us reason together."
I feel your hands around my scarred, bruised up wrists, pulling me to my feet
"You're safe now. You're home again."
Your words and breath warm me
The trembling stops.
Selah.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Dear Attractive, Multilingual, Sweater Vest-Wearing Renaissance Man:
You're cute. Hurry up and come into my life. Take me out for chai. Pleeeease like good music and the same movies as me. Introduce me to and teach me new things. Get my random sense of humor, match my wit, track with me when no one else does. Help me not take life so seriously all the time. And please, for Pete's sake, BE GOOD AT MATH. One of us has to. Heck, you can be one of those guys that's good at everything, I don't mind, just respect my writing. And respect and love me. Be good-natured and full of laughter. Show me how to dance. Pursue me and lead me the way a man should, the way only the right man can.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"It's time to decide which is out of my mind. 'Cuz it'll be me unless I put some thoughts to rest and leave some faults behind."
I've been wanting to blog for SO long but haven't been able to get to my site! The stupid filter my parent's set up on our home computer, like, evolved or something and quit letting me get on blogger, which kept me away for so long. But, alas, Blog, I have returned. I've missed you so. I got a mini HP netbook for Christmas courtesy of my mom's friend Chad (you rock, Chad!!), it's no macbook, but it's mine. And that makes it grand. It's FINALLY set up so I can get on the internet so, yeah, I'm back.
I'm still getting used to the fact that it's 2011. Weird...but sweet. I didn't make any resolutions, I just checked off stuff from my "100 Things I Want to Do Before I Die" list and added more to it. That's my New Year's tradition. I was surprised, I actually was able to check off two or three. I figure you can make resolutions whenever you want to and keep them, even, if you really want to. Any time of the year. But that list, for me, is special. It's just my thing I do.
Almost half-way through senior year. Whoop dee doo.
I feel bad for the negativity, but for real, I keep waiting for it to get better. But it's not fun right now. It's so scary. There's so much uncertainty about where I'm going to end up and what I'm going to do. Everyone's always asking me what my plan is, what I'm going to do, "oh, you wanna study English? and how will that pay the bills?" you know what? SHUT UP. Did YOU have it all figured out when you were 17? Doubt it. Uuuuurggggghhhhh. I hate that. I hate when adults ask me what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know. I'm sorry I don't see into the future and know exactly where I'm going to be. But ya know what? It's not even like they really care. It's just the polite thing to ask kids in high school after the standard "How are you?" and "How's school going?"
Siiigh. Anyway. I know I shouldn't be stressing. I know it's just a waste of time to worry, it really is. I'm going to end up exactly where God wants me, that's always been my prayer and desire. I guess just because, well you know, EVERYTHING has been so uncertain for the past year and a half or so, things can get a bit...hm. I don't know, shaky for me. But that's my journey, every day. Learning to trust that it's all going to be alright. And, really, it will be. That's something I'm working on learning. Something I'll understand in time.
Can I just say something that's been welling up inside me for, like, the past three months? Something that breaks my heart? Why is it that, at least with the people in my life, it's those that have known such unspeakable, unimaginable loss that are the ones who are the fullest of, the richest in love? They're so open to it, so ready to give it out, to receive it. Like it's so easy. I mean, it isn't hard, but ya get what I'm saying? It's just something I've noticed. And it isn't everybody, not by any means. It's not difficult to be bitter when you've experienced loss in such a heavy, fist-to-the-gut kind of way. It's easy to see the bad all around when you've had loved ones ripped away from you, torn right out from under you. But those people that are still so full of light, in spite of it, gosh, I don't know, maybe even because of it? Those that love so easily, reach out for it, grasp at it with both hands. I admire that. I love that. I need that. That's beautiful. It seems so wrong, but that's beautiful.
In closing, now that I feel adequately vented, a list.
The Little Things That Are Getting Me Through It All:
Elephant tattoos (relax, I don't have one. just the idea of one). Orange nail polish. Swedish fish (the red ones). That commercial with Kevin Bacon in it. Business Time. Business socks. Chain-reading because Khaled Hosseini told me to. Lotion that smells like buttercream frosting. Indian food. The Message. That moment when you first lay in bed and shut your eyes, and you have the WHOLE night of sleeping ahead of you. Having perfect comedic timing for those really tormenting moments of Chemistry class. Thinking about how I'm halfway done with Chemistry class (take that, world). 1st period English. The English language. The Persian language. New Zealanders. That laugh where it's so passionate, no noise comes out. Yeah.
I'm still getting used to the fact that it's 2011. Weird...but sweet. I didn't make any resolutions, I just checked off stuff from my "100 Things I Want to Do Before I Die" list and added more to it. That's my New Year's tradition. I was surprised, I actually was able to check off two or three. I figure you can make resolutions whenever you want to and keep them, even, if you really want to. Any time of the year. But that list, for me, is special. It's just my thing I do.
Almost half-way through senior year. Whoop dee doo.
I feel bad for the negativity, but for real, I keep waiting for it to get better. But it's not fun right now. It's so scary. There's so much uncertainty about where I'm going to end up and what I'm going to do. Everyone's always asking me what my plan is, what I'm going to do, "oh, you wanna study English? and how will that pay the bills?" you know what? SHUT UP. Did YOU have it all figured out when you were 17? Doubt it. Uuuuurggggghhhhh. I hate that. I hate when adults ask me what I'm going to do with my life. I don't know. I'm sorry I don't see into the future and know exactly where I'm going to be. But ya know what? It's not even like they really care. It's just the polite thing to ask kids in high school after the standard "How are you?" and "How's school going?"
Siiigh. Anyway. I know I shouldn't be stressing. I know it's just a waste of time to worry, it really is. I'm going to end up exactly where God wants me, that's always been my prayer and desire. I guess just because, well you know, EVERYTHING has been so uncertain for the past year and a half or so, things can get a bit...hm. I don't know, shaky for me. But that's my journey, every day. Learning to trust that it's all going to be alright. And, really, it will be. That's something I'm working on learning. Something I'll understand in time.
Can I just say something that's been welling up inside me for, like, the past three months? Something that breaks my heart? Why is it that, at least with the people in my life, it's those that have known such unspeakable, unimaginable loss that are the ones who are the fullest of, the richest in love? They're so open to it, so ready to give it out, to receive it. Like it's so easy. I mean, it isn't hard, but ya get what I'm saying? It's just something I've noticed. And it isn't everybody, not by any means. It's not difficult to be bitter when you've experienced loss in such a heavy, fist-to-the-gut kind of way. It's easy to see the bad all around when you've had loved ones ripped away from you, torn right out from under you. But those people that are still so full of light, in spite of it, gosh, I don't know, maybe even because of it? Those that love so easily, reach out for it, grasp at it with both hands. I admire that. I love that. I need that. That's beautiful. It seems so wrong, but that's beautiful.
In closing, now that I feel adequately vented, a list.
The Little Things That Are Getting Me Through It All:
Elephant tattoos (relax, I don't have one. just the idea of one). Orange nail polish. Swedish fish (the red ones). That commercial with Kevin Bacon in it. Business Time. Business socks. Chain-reading because Khaled Hosseini told me to. Lotion that smells like buttercream frosting. Indian food. The Message. That moment when you first lay in bed and shut your eyes, and you have the WHOLE night of sleeping ahead of you. Having perfect comedic timing for those really tormenting moments of Chemistry class. Thinking about how I'm halfway done with Chemistry class (take that, world). 1st period English. The English language. The Persian language. New Zealanders. That laugh where it's so passionate, no noise comes out. Yeah.
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