We’ll still have a song to sing.

A long walk home, riddled with regret / Uncommonly comfortable, but still I believe / That in time I think I'll see just what's been weighing down on me / An unearthy void collapsed, exposing what was trapped / To release this serendipitous design / The smell of smoke, the evening sky was proof / Belated conversation saturate anticipation for the answers that simply won't come / But not I, I won't ask / Forget my place amongst the grass / The leaves and the trees remember me / And in my naivety it might be seen / The pail has leaks and even if you put all your water into it you end up with nothing left to drink / The well has gone dry, and I with it /  Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Sing softly, bring me to the lake / Sing softly, sing me to the lake

"His Hands Matched His Tongue" by the Dear Hunter

There's this feeling of futility. Maybe I'm just a terrible adult. Or maybe I just have no clue what I'm doing or what I even want to be doing anymore. But is it even about what I want? Of course not. It never was. But then there's that fear. The familiar fear of messing up. I'm just tired. Of not knowing and being frightened of what I don't know. Of wondering if I'm going to fail. I want to trust Him. But it's not even Him I don't trust, it's me.

It's all in the hands of God. And that's where I'll leave it.

Feeling a little lost right now. Hope that's okay.
Though, I don't think lost is the right word. Because I know that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay and work out exactly how it's supposed to.
I know that.
I guess it's just the what ifs.
The not knowing.
That gets to me sometimes.
Which I guess just comes with the territory of being a freaking worry wart. Maybe someday soon I'll find that balance between caring too much and not enough.
Sam helps me with that, the worrying.
You know how some people say that there isn't just one person out there for you? That there's more than one person that could be meant for you? Well, I used to think that was true. But now I know it's not.
I used to not believe in soul mates. Made fun of the idea, even.
But not anymore.
Those places I lack, he has in abundance.
We complement each other in the way that we're just better together.
I wonder what I did before I met him. Because I sure as heck can't imagine my life without him now.
He's my best friend. My rock.
My one and only.
Maybe this all seems very naive and dumb and young.
But what can I say? Sometimes you just know.
And I know.
I feel it when he voices my thoughts, just before I'm about to open my mouth to speak, and puts it in the exact way I wanted to but didn't know how.
When we dance together in his kitchen to the Black Keys and he twirls me perfectly.
When we're at a red light and I can't help but look at him. And he feels my eyes on him, so he looks back. So we just sit there, watching each other. Speaking a thousand things without saying a word.
When he plays me "The Scientist" on the piano, just because he knows it's my song for him.
And when I get up to leave and he's waiting by my shoes, to put them on for me. To kiss my feet.
I know God brought me him. And he is such a blessing, such a gift.
I just can't imagine what I ever did to deserve something so wonderful.
But I guess that's not how God works.

Oh hey, life.

It's the fact that my co-workers and I all think Spongebob is hilarious and quote it back and forth to each other constantly during our shifts.
It's when my father, in his own concerned and always serious way, tells me he's proud of me, reaching down into something frantically unsure and fearful within me, quieting it.
It's pulling A's in my Liberty online classes without a clue as to how I did it. But yay.
It's nude shimmer nail polish.
And wearing his class ring around my neck.
And being nineteen, just figuring life out.
But not really.
I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I'm never going to know what I'm doing. It's just a fact of life for me, and that's okay. I was always better at just winging stuff anyway. Slash, God knows it all. Every single thing, how it's all going to play out. Exactly how it's supposed to go.
Which means I don't have to know.

I promise...

To never stop looking at you like it's the very first time I'm laying eyes on you.
To always be your safe place to land.
To always keep that balance between butting heads and letting you have your way.
That you'll always get your way.
I promise to never stop thinking you're a masterpiece.
A work of art, all of you.
The backs of your hands.
Your jaw line.
The way you furrow your eyebrows when you're absorbing some bit of information.
I promise to never stop singing you Coldplay lyrics.
To always listen to you, encourage you, believe in you.
To always see that greatness within you, even and especially when you can't.
I love the way you hold the steering wheel.
The way you drag your feet exactly like I do.
The way you crack up at the same dumb stuff as me.
I love your wit.
The sharp, unapologetic way you challenge me and make me want to be better.
Your tenderness.
Thank you for finally convincing me that I'm safe.
That you'll never let anyone or anything hurt me.
Thank you for being that constant, stable rock I can cling to in the midst of
a thrashing sea.
Thank you for being you. And loving that I exist and I'm me.
I couldn't have dreamed of anything better.

PS: They say Rome is lovely in the fall.

Without you it's a waste of time.

So this is my life and I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be better than okay. In fact, so beyond okay. So much better than any okay I could've possibly imagined on my own. I'm learning more and more every day that God's got me. That He's got this, all of this. It seems like such an elementary lesson to learn...like, duh, Sarah. Of course God's got this. Where've you been? But it's a big deal for me. It's a big deal for me to finally, truly, with-all-of-my-heart be trusting God. With everything. Not just saying I do, not just hoping I do. But really realizing that He has the best for me. That He's going to take care of me. That His plans are good. So, so good. Again, it seems so basic and simple. But it's...it's taken a long time. And I'm nowhere near finished. I'm still afraid sometimes. Inside, I still see so much work that needs to be done. Inside, I'm still very much that little girl that's waiting...just waiting, dreading, for it all to be ripped away from her. Still thinking of all that can go bad, of all that can be lost. Because I've come so close, so many times. I've come so close to losing so much. So, it's...it's almost like a reflex now. A gritted teeth kind of bracing yourself. Hoping it won't happen, but being tensed up just in case it does. It's fear. And it's something that I'm giving, slowly but surely, up to Him. Some days more than others, but every day.
But I love looking back, even just over the past year, and seeing how much has changed for the better. I love seeing all that's fallen into place, that's changed, that's grown, or been broken off. I love liking where I am, how far I've come, how far He's brought me. I love looking back and saying, "Yes, Lord. I see why it happened like this, because if that hadn't happened, this never would have. I see it now." It brings me such joy, such peace, to know that God is leading me, gently. That He has never, ever let me go and that He's using everything, everything to shape me.
Again, this all seems so simple. Like such a small step. I can't explain why it's been such a huge journey for me. But it has been.
Also, random, but there's something so beautifully incredible about realizing that God hears your prayers. Every single one. He was listening that whole time. To every word. Every single cry of your heart. For comfort, for things to work out, for your future spouse. Everything. He was listening to you. That's...that's just so awesome to me. That He cares so much to not just hear me out, but to actually give me those desires of my heart that I talked with Him about. He loves me so much, so much that He's going to meet my every need. Work absolutely everything out according to His will, which is the absolute best way for things to go.
Ahhhh. I'm just a little kid sometimes. Still so wide-eyed and in awe of, still so surprised by those things that should be, well, obvious. There's so much to learn. So much to catch with these open, outstretched hands. And I'm so excited. So, so excited.

Maybe I'm predictable. But, here, a list of, well, random things that have made up my life in the past few months/weeks:
-Coldplay. So much Coldplay. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh <3 <3 <3 <3
-Whipped cream. That's one of my favorite parts of making people's drinks. It's like a special treat when they ask for whipped cream. I can't explain it, I just love spraying it. The shhhh noise it makes. And I actually really like it on my lattes, the whipped cream kinda mixes with the foam, it's just...boss.
-Graphic tees from the boys section at Target. They have better ones, so I buy them.
-Driving around. It wastes gas. But I do my best thinking in the car. It's a good prayer time too.
-Oh, um. Twitter. I got one. It was really fun and cool for like three days. Now it's just another thing to check on my phone when I'm waiting in line at Starbucks.
Hmmm. I guess that's it. My life's pretty boring. I'm a tad disappointed that I don't have any really cool stuff to add to the list. But eh, it's cool. I'm just living my life.
"Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart..."

Things that got me through last winter.

Winter's great. Yeah. I mean, who doesn't love freezing to death ALL the time, especially when you're in your own home? And, I mean, what's better than being late to everything all the time because your car's windshield, windows, and friggin' doors are frozen solid? Not to mention static-y hair, dry skin, and those oh-so-alluring perpetually-chapped lips? Attractive. But, okay, if you're me, you need little things to get you through those seemingly endless, icy, blah months without losing your mind.
So, here's what kept me sane last winter:
-How I Met Your Mother. "Because this is gonna be LEGEN---Wait for it...Wait for it...YOU BETTER NOT BE LACTOSE INTOLERANT 'CUZ THE LAST PART OF THIS SENTENCE IS---DARY."
-Coconut Records. "'Cuz I miss you, I'm goin' back home to the West Coast..."
-Skins US. Because nothing helps take your mind off the frozen wasteland that is your life during those winter months better than a train wreck of a television show about stupid-yet-somehow-loveable teenagers behaving badly. Okay, the word "badly" may be a bit of an understatement...
-Flight of the Conchords. Business Time. Jenny. Albi the Racist Dragon. "Don't touch me tail, you'll make it dirty!" WEAK!
-Shiver and Linger by Maggie Stiefvater. I will never settle for anything less than a Sam and Grace kind of love.
-Russell Brand. He's so witty and actually kind of charming.
-Noxzema. Just because. I liked the smell.
-Cursive. No, not the near-extinct writing style. They're a band. A really weird one. But I like them. "LET. ME. UUUUUUUP."
-Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins. Thank you for robbing me of sleep for three nights straight. It was worth it, I always loved Peeta. I'd take the guy that bakes bread and paints over the guy that kills things any day. Favorite line? "Peeta and I grow back together."
-Band of Horses. The Funeral. Is there a ghost. Yes.
-Nail polish. So much nail polish.

The forecast for what's going to be keeping me from taking the sub-arctic leap this coming winter:
-Big Bang. Raj, Sheldon, Leonard, and Howard are the guys I would've sat with at lunch in high school.
-The Dear Hunter. You probably already know about my deep, undying love for this band. If I could marry a voice, it would be Casey Crescenzo's. He would sing me to sleep every single night.
-The Scorpio Races by Maggie Siefvater. Maybe? Yes? We'll see. But I have to read it, there's no way that I can't.
-More nail polish. Because I have a problem. But I don't care.
-Tylenol pm. What could be so wrong with tranquilizing yourself on those nights where you're just too wound up to fall asleep on your own? Judging me? It's cool.
-Tea. And espresso. So much espresso. I can already tell.
-National Geographic. Because I love it. So much. I love reading about how you're never, EVER by yourself when you're in Bangladesh and Kenyan orphanages for baby elephants and Gengis Khan's descendants and what's being done about fistula, child brides, cholera in Haiti, so on and so forth. Tell me. Tell me more, NatGeo.
-Emergen-C. I've always been kind of a sickly thing, so I drink one every day (especially in the winter) to keep my immune system strong. The flavor of this month is mango. I'm planning to try pink lemonade, pomegranate, raspberry, and lemon lime. Might as well spice up my fizzy anti-itis drank by experimenting with different flavors. I like to keep things exciting, you know.
-Painting. Thank you, Gloria. You re-awakened my passion for it. :)

Well, that's all I got. We'll see what the coming months bring. Stay tuned.

Forever by Maggie Stiefvater

"It was the knowledge that I was surrounded by adults with lives that I could never imagine living. It was the humming noise inside me that told me to do SOMETHING and found nothing to do that meant anything, the bit of me that was like a fly smashing itself again and again on a windowpane. It was the futility of aging. It was a piano piece gotten right the first time... It was roads that ended in cul-de-sacs and careers that ended with desks and songs screamed in a gymnasium at night. It was the realization that this was life, and I didn't belong here."