Holy business!

I haven't blogged in ages!! Not cool.
I've tried before now, I really have, but I always end up deleting what I wrote. I guess I just haven't known how to say anything that I want to say.
But, here I am. It's 12:03 am and my nails are wet.
It's summer. Aside from November, June/July is my favorite chunk out of the entire year. There's something about summer that is so sweet, but in a way that aches because you know it's going to end too quickly.
I'm doing my best to savor it.

I suppose I'll catch you up on some of what's gone down during the rest of my spring semester and the first half of my 20th year of life.
I donated blood for the first time. I'm B+. I'll probably do it again. They gave me free frozen yogurt after, so.
I changed my major to English with a creative writing concentration. I gave being a Psych major the old college try (hehee...), but honestly, I'm just not the type of person that can give my time and energy to something that I don't have a fire in my heart for. I can't do my best at something that I'm not interested in or passionate about. I just can't. I gave up on Psych and counseling because I just felt drained and unhappy at the thought of continuing to pursue a degree in it. It didn't excite me the way English always, always has. Writing books is my dream, that's all I've ever wanted to do with my life. That's what I wanted to be when I grew up, a writer. I want to learn all I possibly can about my craft, I want to be excited about the education I'm receiving. So I finally decided to stop doing what everyone said I should do by just trying to write as a "side job." I decided to do the impractical thing and actually follow my heart. I decided to do what I've always known I wanted. It's my name that's going to be on the degree. It's my debt to pay after graduation. Daggum it, if I'm going to be paying off student loans for the next ten years of my adult, post-grad life, I want to have studied what I loved. And, so, I'm going to finish out my college years learning all I can about writing. And I'm really, really happy about it.
I also got in touch with my emboldened, spit-fire side. I didn't know she existed, but she does. Boy, she does. See, there was this public speaking class this semester that I absolutely DREADED. But towards the end of it, we had to give a persuasive speech. And after you finish the speech, the professor (this seriously intimidating man) pretty much asked you all kinds of questions about your speech to try and trip you up and force you to defend yourself. But when he tried to argue the points of my speech, something came over me! I went just straight crazy, beast-mode up there, shooting everything back at him. I was completely unafraid, I had full confidence in the knowledge that I could take him on. Everyone in my class, including him, cheered for me when I sat down. And ever since that day, I've felt this power in my veins. The power that comes with the knowledge that I'm strong inside and I can fight back. It feels really, really good.
Got a turquoise streak in my hair. It's actually a piece of real hair that's been dyed turquoise and woven in with my real hair, so it should last a few months. But I wanted it. And I'll only be this age once. So, I got it. And I love it. People tell me I have mermaid hair, which makes my heart happy because I absolutely love mermaids.
I kind of love Audrey Hepburn a lot right now. Her movies are magical. And so are her eyes. And the way she works pixie cuts. So far I think Sabrina is my favorite.
Decided on a tattoo.
I started my Tumblr back up again, which has been a good thing and a bad thing for me. It's been good because it lets me be myself. It teaches me about what I like and it lets me live and be excited about all the little things I get excited over. Like bohemian/bazaar-esque interior design or ethnic cooking or vintage lingerie or mermaid tattoos or...WHATEVER I WANT. I love that about it, that it lets me be who I am and like what I like. It's been bad for me in that it makes me confused. It humanizes issues that, when I was younger, I easily saw as black and white. Right or wrong. But when I see the faces, hear the voices of the people that are affected by these controversies, these people that (as a Pentecostal Christian) I've been told are living sinfully...it's like, I can't work through it anymore. Because they're not evil. They aren't these grubby, bad people that burn Bibles and have orgies in the ashes. They're just people. They're people and they hurt in a lot of the same ways I do. How do I condemn people, flesh and blood and bone? How do I say that they are wrong? Who am I? What do I know about them, about life? It's one of those "the more I see of the world and this life, the less I know" type of things. And it's hard. Oh my goodness, it's hard. Because I want things to be black and white again. I want to be able to say that this is truth and this is not and this is why. But I can't anymore, not about everything anyway. I wonder if I ever will again. But you know what? I'm learning that it's okay to not know. It's okay to be a Christian and not know. If anything, my first year of being at a real university has taught me that. It's taught me how to know what I believe and how to figure out why I believe it, but it's also taught me that it's okay to look at life and all its struggles and reach within only to come up empty. It's okay. Because it just is.
Side note, but you know what I've noticed? People say that those who have faith are weak, that they use their belief system as a crutch because they can't make it through life without it. But really, after thinking about it for a while, I've found that I believe that it's those of faith that are the strongest of people. Because literally everyone (particularly at this age, the young adult stage of life) is giving up on religion and being bitter at God and living it up by doing whatever they want. To be a person of faith (especially in the REAL world, outside of a Christian covering) means, a lot of the time, that you're walking alone. You're different, you place value on things that other people don't and never will. You seem backward to the rest of the world. To me, that's something that is really, really hard to do. It's easy to give up on something when literally everyone else is too, when everyone is giving you a thousand reasons not to believe. That's the simplest thing in the world, to just throw God away because life got hard and people who are smarter than you are being all science-y about everything. I think it takes a stronger person to keep going. To not give up even when you can't seem to counter the arguments.

I suppose that's all I've got for now.

Together, we'll live under the persimmon tree.

The persimmon tree in our backyard. The one that's ours.
The persimmon tree we'll lean against and gaze through the gaps and spaces between the twisting knots of branches up towards the sky.
The one our children will climb, that will teach them that even in a world that's warped and jacked up there are beautiful things worthy of being discovered.
There are chunks of sky still worth grasping at, there is fruit worth tasting.
My love, I want our children to learn to climb high. To never stop exploring.
I want them to never stop looking for wonder, even in these ceaselessly trying times.
I just want us to always know that life is worth it.
I want us to teach them that the few-and-far-between miracles of existence that steal your breath away are enough.

I want to go somewhere so bad.

I tried to google "places to visit that have the best rain" but the internet didn't understand me. It kept thinking I meant I wanted to travel to the rainforest. NO.
I'm allllmost done with the massive load of end-of-the-semester-crap-that-sucks that I have to do before finals week. I have one last, huge paper I should be starting/working on right now. But...but no.
Current jam: My Head is an Animal by Of Monsters and Men. The whole album is glorious. It makes me want to play in the woods like a child.
Current polish: Diamonds and Rubies on my toes, a gorgeous and very bright red. Black Diamonds (still in progress) on my fingers, a rich, shimmery black. Yes, they're both from the same Sally Hansen collection, I'm sure you were wondering.
All I want for Christmas is contacts. Preferably ones that help me see better at night so I don't almost crash and die because I can't read the street sign and don't realize that I'm almost passing my turn and have to screech over to make it.
Also, a haircut would be cool.
And maybe some new canvases and paint and brushes and stuff, but I won't push it.
My mom lost her job last week.
It's scary, but also not. I just try not to think about it.
I do really want to get a second job for when I'm at school, to try and help out a little.
I mostly just really want health insurance again. Is that weird? It kind of really scares me to not have it.
I went to one of my favorite places of all time yesterday, Barnes and Noble. And it was one of my favorites of my favorite, the Barnes and Noble by William and Mary.
It has an escalator inside, which makes me so happy for some reason. I could spend days in there.
In the travel section, in front of the magazine rack, in medicine, in biography, in young adult fiction. EVERYTHING, ALL OF IT.
There was something else I was going to say, and I've been sitting here for the past ten minutes trying to remember what it was, but I seriously can't remember.
So, here, a list.
Things I've Learned Over My First Semester of Real College:
-I am not a Calvinist. I do not and cannot agree with predestination.
-I might maybe go for my Master's degree. Maybe in art therapy or something. Eastern Virginia Medical School is pretty cool and has a legit program I must say I'm interested in.
-Soup counts as a meal when you're broke.
-New nail polish is for people with money.
-Messy bun Mondays are fun. And there are lots of ways to do a messy bun.
-I love painting. I'd forgotten, but I remember again. I love it so much.
-Watching whole seasons of Hey, Arnold! and As Told by Ginger during midterms week/finals week/when you're trying to avoid pressing responsibilities in general is a great idea.
-I suck at un-fun writing. And research.
-The human body is fascinating and kind of disgusting.
-My Little Pony anything makes absolutely everything better.
-Wedding blogs are the ultimate time/productivity vortex.

G'night.

There may be Sleepy Time tea involved.

I promise, I'll post something with actual depth and significance soon.
But right now I just can't. There's just so much school and tired and stress and even though I'm tired I can't sleep and blah feelings.
Warm tea's so glorious.
So is Coldplay.
I got all my classes for next semester, even one that I was sure I wouldn't get. Thank You, Lord!
It's November, my most favorite month of the entire year.
The air is so crisp and chilly that sometimes, seriously, I just open up the window and stick my head outside to stare at the gorgeous colors the trees are finally turning and breathe in the brisk cold. I hope I don't get sick because of it.
Immune system, be strong for me. For once.
I'm going through a few kicks right now. Barbra Streisand is definitely one of them. Yentl is one of those movies that, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how powerful it was. Barbraaaa. Also, I can't seem to stop watching Hey, Arnold! and As Told by Ginger.
Oh, nostalgia.
I'm also still really into messy top knots and Audrey Hepburn.
The former because my hair's too long and I don't know how to handle it anymore (haircut in the near future, I'm gonna get some style cut back into it, gah!) and the latter because she's one of the few movie stars that I find absolutely, effortlessly beautiful. Just, seriously gorgeous.
Also, she's probably the only movie star I've seen that actually looks happy, really happy. I'm not sure if she was or not, but she looks it, she really does.

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I wish I could just have the answers to all of these questions.

And the kind of peace that comes from You. The kind of peace that nothing and no one can take from me.

Alright.

Lord, I'm asking You to do this.
I'm asking You right now even though I know it's going to suck really, really bad, maybe for a long time. But it needs to be done. It's been way too long of a time coming.
Lord, will You take away all the fear in my heart? Every bit of it. Fear of man, fear of disaster, fear of loss, fear of failure. All of it, Lord, take it all away. I will not fear anything anymore.
Lord, will You humble me? Do everything that needs to be done. Strip me of everything that's tinged with pride, that thinks that I can do something that's worth anything to You on my own. It hurts. It's already happening and it hurts really bad, but keeping going, Lord. Don't stop.
Lord, will You forgive me? Forgive me for when I've lost focus, when my gaze was shifted from You. Forgive me for not being able to believe that You love me. Forgive me for thinking I need to be good enough for You to accept me. I'm a fool if I think for one second that I can do anything to make me worthy of your love and forgiveness. It doesn't work like that. I was stupid for thinking that was even possible to do.
Please help this to go away. Let this get better. And make this pain, this aching go away.
Help me forgive myself.

Protect me. Keep me. Lead me. Speak to me.
Thank You for never leaving me and thank You that You're here in this. Getting me, us, through. Thank You that You are the strength we so badly need and Your way is best. Make a way for it to all work. Thank You that You will complete what You started.
"Though the Lord is great, He cares for the humble, but He keeps His distance from the proud. Though I am surrounded by troubles, You will protect me from the anger of my enemies. You reach out Your hand, and the power of Your right hand saves me. The Lord will work out His plans for my life---for Your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for You made me." Psalm 138:6-8

But I've got lots of plans for tomorrow, and all my tomorrows belong to you.

I've started painting again.
Acrylics are cool, and a lot less messy than oils.
Is that a grammatically correct sentence? It looks weird. Ah, well.
Michael's 69 cent paints, dude. Go. Go now.
I just washed my car and did a load of laundry. I feel kind of productive. And boring.
One Intro to Christian History and Thought forty-question midterm (due tonight), two human biology quizzes, and a summary of an article on brain death stand between me and being fully on fall break.
Will I rise to the occasion? Maybe. Yeah, a little bit. Eh.
It's a Sinatra kind of day.
I think I'm gonna paint my nails green. With maybe gold tips?
College is getting better. I'm finally coming out of my shell a little more, I think.
Which is weird because I never even knew I really had a shell until college, but hey.
I'm feeling less lost, too. And a lot less stressed. And not just because I'm on break, I've been noticing it for a few weeks now. It's hit me that I don't have to toil like mad and burn myself out trying to be this perfect mega-student. I just gotta do my best. That's it. Fortunately, I've always been pretty decent at the school thing. But even when my best isn't good enough, it is what it is.
This time of year is perfect.
I think I could live through ten thousand falls and it still wouldn't be long enough.
I really, really want to get married in autumn.
And there'll be lots of Coldplay and Black Keys and Frank Sinatra played.
And I'll carry yellow and white flowers.
And everyone will dance ridiculously and there'll be a Chinese food buffet and a hot tea bar. Hopefully.
And we'll have a layer of coconut cake.
And the men will wear charcoal tuxes.
It will be perfect.
But until then, I'm just here. In my pajama pants with cupcakes all over them.
Yeah, I'm done.
Excuse all the random. You knew what this was.
I do what I want.