It seems like everyone here wears yoga pants.

Could I pull off yoga pants? Do I even want to? They do look comfortable...
But that's not really the point.
The point is that I feel alone here. Not all of the time. But enough. Enough to wonder why I'm even here.
And the worst part is, the problem is really with me, not anyone else. Everyone seems SO nice here, and I'm sure there's tons of people I could hang out with if I reached out. But... I just, feel different. I feel so...not understood. There's no person that will laugh at my random sense of humor anymore, no one who really even gets it. I feel like I'm 14 again, starting high school and wondering where my place is. Wondering why I care that I don't feel like I have one.
I am, have always been, a loner of sorts. Not to say that I don't have friends or don't need people, I do. I really do. But, even as a kid, I always went off and played by myself. Being part of the pack bored me, it felt like I was missing out on something. I don't know if that makes any sense. Now, that's not to say I feel like my friends are a waste of time. They save my life, every single day. The ones that I still have, anyway...but that's another story. But I've never needed to be liked by everyone. I just needed that tiny handful of friends that get me. That understand it when I quote Star Wars or order my food in an Indian accent or laugh out loud over something stupid that happened two months ago. I just, I don't have that anymore and it's lonely. They all have their own networks now, in different cities, in different schools.
Without me.
And I mean, I'm okay with being by myself. I'm good at it. I savor being alone sometimes, really. But I guess, I just hate feeling like this. Wanting to fit in but not wanting to. I don't understand it. And I don't know how to make anyone else understand why I don't want to go bowling. Or to Waffle House with thirty other people. Or where ever.
And I've been telling myself it's just been a slow start because of my feet. I still can't really get around all that well so I don't really feel up for adventures just yet. And I'm hoping, really hoping, that's it.
I just want to click with someone. Someone who likes Lord of the Rings and culture and Coldplay. Well, they don't have to. But just someone I can talk to and not feel like they're getting tired of me.
And, don't get me wrong. I have an awesome roommate who is so, so sweet. We have a ton in common and she's just really cool. But I didn't go into this expecting to be best friends with her. All I prayed for was for her to be clean and nice, and she has exceeded those requests. But I just don't feel like we'll ever be, like, inseparable. Which is totally fine, I wasn't hoping for that at all. She has her own friends here and a life. And I'm...working on it. I also have one friend who's in one of my classes each day. She's so kind and giving and she seriously inspires me in so many ways. But she's so...social. And I'm just not. I feel like she knows the name of everyone on campus and I'm just like, "....."
And, again, please don't think I'm some kind of awkward freak who doesn't like people or want friends. But I just feel different. In a way that is lonely sometimes. In a way that makes it hard to feel like I'm truly got by other people sometimes.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. I don't even know what I want or am asking for. I just want to stop feeling like this. Like something's wrong with me. Like I have this wall up that I don't know how to take down. Or like I'm not in the right place. And also, please don't think that I think I'm better than everyone else and on some other, higher level. That is just so stuck up and pretentious and I can't stand anyone thinking that of me. That's not how it is at all. I just feel... different.
But I will end on a good note by saying that living on my own is amazing. I love going places and not having to tell anyone where I'm going. I love staying out until one am if I feel like it. I love buying ice cream from Wawa's and not hearing anything about it from my father. It is perfect.
I'll take what I can get.

“Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.”

Things My Summer Consisted of:

• Skyrim
• Avatar: The Last Airbender (all seasons) and Legend of Korra
• My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
• Late night awesome-ness with some of my best friends in the world
• Richmond trip 
• Work
• So many Skype dates
• Christafari
• Wishing I was a mermaid
• Lighting off fireworks for the very first time
• Casablanca
• Actually having a date to a wedding
• So much stressing
• Bilateral foot surgery
• Percocet
• Netflix
• Disney movies
• Pretty Little Liars (I’m not proud)
• Sam
• Sam’s family

For some reason, whenever it finally sinks in that summer's gone, I have to reflect. I have to think about what I did and if I had any particularly notable adventures. And, every single time, I always come up feeling like I missed out. Like I didn't do half the stuff I said I would. Like I wasted summer's sweetness, let it slip through my fingers. I'm realizing, though, that even this, the most ordinary of summers, was so beautiful. Because it was mine. And I grew from it. I learned and I loved and I Skyrim-ed. Yeah, boy. Just kidding. Well, not really.
I strengthened my bond with my inner child. I experienced the joy of being nerdy, getting excited over the seemingly smallest things that can make me SO happy. I spent so much time with him and his family, learning from them and laughing with them, discovering that there is a place for me in their warm, welcoming, perfect chaos. 
I temporarily lost my ability to walk. Or move, really, due to painful stitches in the bottoms of both my feet. I crawled everywhere for a while and thanked God every single day that it wasn't forever. Feet are so amazing. You seriously can't do anything without them. I will NEVER take them for granted. Ever.
I wish I could say that I had some kind of crazy amazing revelation about trusting God through all the nasty stress of trying to work out going to college. It was an uphill struggle for so, so long. And, to be honest, even now that I'm finally at Regent I still ask God why. Why am I here? Do You have something for me here? Something I need to learn? I don't know. I really don't. I hate feeling like I'm wasting my time and going into so much debt for something my parents want more than me. But, really, what else could I be doing? As much as I love my coffee shop, I knew I couldn't stay there forever.
It's crazy how much a year can change so much. Change everything. Time has flown by, though it hasn't felt like it. A week from now I'll be halfway through 19. The lessons I've learned in the past six months of being this age alone are unfathomable. 
Lessons about what it means to love someone and be loved by them. Really loving them. In a way that's different than any other kind of love. In a way that has its challenges, but is really so easy. It's funny but, as you're learning more and more about this person (because there will ALWAYS be so much to learn) you end up learning so much about yourself. That person becomes like a mirror, sometimes showing you things you don't really like. But it's a good thing, because it helps you change. It helps you shift, lose the selfishness (though that's something that can always stand being worked on) and become better for this person. Because they deserve it. They deserve the best of you, of everything. Yet, they take you for you no matter what. When you are literally at your absolute worst. Throwing up. Being a crazy jerk. Freaking out over something stupid. Crying for no reason. Sam loves me in spite of..because of all of it. And, even though we still have a few more months until our one year, I know it's real. Because of all he's taught me. Because of how he can still a restlessness in my heart with just a look. How he pretends to not notice me taking his french fries because he knows they taste better if they're stolen. How he can tell me everything is going to be alright and, for the first time in my life, I can believe it. I can feel it.
Other lessons, too. About refusing to give up on your dream even when people are attacking it and calling it stupid and impractical. I will write books. That's all I want to do besides serve the Lord and be a wife and mother. And I don't care if you don't think it will work.
I don't know what else to say besides that I'm happy. Happy and scared and young and learning.

We’ll still have a song to sing.

A long walk home, riddled with regret / Uncommonly comfortable, but still I believe / That in time I think I'll see just what's been weighing down on me / An unearthy void collapsed, exposing what was trapped / To release this serendipitous design / The smell of smoke, the evening sky was proof / Belated conversation saturate anticipation for the answers that simply won't come / But not I, I won't ask / Forget my place amongst the grass / The leaves and the trees remember me / And in my naivety it might be seen / The pail has leaks and even if you put all your water into it you end up with nothing left to drink / The well has gone dry, and I with it /  Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Oh, someday she'll be gone / Sing softly, bring me to the lake / Sing softly, sing me to the lake

"His Hands Matched His Tongue" by the Dear Hunter

There's this feeling of futility. Maybe I'm just a terrible adult. Or maybe I just have no clue what I'm doing or what I even want to be doing anymore. But is it even about what I want? Of course not. It never was. But then there's that fear. The familiar fear of messing up. I'm just tired. Of not knowing and being frightened of what I don't know. Of wondering if I'm going to fail. I want to trust Him. But it's not even Him I don't trust, it's me.

It's all in the hands of God. And that's where I'll leave it.

Feeling a little lost right now. Hope that's okay.
Though, I don't think lost is the right word. Because I know that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay and work out exactly how it's supposed to.
I know that.
I guess it's just the what ifs.
The not knowing.
That gets to me sometimes.
Which I guess just comes with the territory of being a freaking worry wart. Maybe someday soon I'll find that balance between caring too much and not enough.
Sam helps me with that, the worrying.
You know how some people say that there isn't just one person out there for you? That there's more than one person that could be meant for you? Well, I used to think that was true. But now I know it's not.
I used to not believe in soul mates. Made fun of the idea, even.
But not anymore.
Those places I lack, he has in abundance.
We complement each other in the way that we're just better together.
I wonder what I did before I met him. Because I sure as heck can't imagine my life without him now.
He's my best friend. My rock.
My one and only.
Maybe this all seems very naive and dumb and young.
But what can I say? Sometimes you just know.
And I know.
I feel it when he voices my thoughts, just before I'm about to open my mouth to speak, and puts it in the exact way I wanted to but didn't know how.
When we dance together in his kitchen to the Black Keys and he twirls me perfectly.
When we're at a red light and I can't help but look at him. And he feels my eyes on him, so he looks back. So we just sit there, watching each other. Speaking a thousand things without saying a word.
When he plays me "The Scientist" on the piano, just because he knows it's my song for him.
And when I get up to leave and he's waiting by my shoes, to put them on for me. To kiss my feet.
I know God brought me him. And he is such a blessing, such a gift.
I just can't imagine what I ever did to deserve something so wonderful.
But I guess that's not how God works.

Oh hey, life.

It's the fact that my co-workers and I all think Spongebob is hilarious and quote it back and forth to each other constantly during our shifts.
It's when my father, in his own concerned and always serious way, tells me he's proud of me, reaching down into something frantically unsure and fearful within me, quieting it.
It's pulling A's in my Liberty online classes without a clue as to how I did it. But yay.
It's nude shimmer nail polish.
And wearing his class ring around my neck.
And being nineteen, just figuring life out.
But not really.
I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I'm never going to know what I'm doing. It's just a fact of life for me, and that's okay. I was always better at just winging stuff anyway. Slash, God knows it all. Every single thing, how it's all going to play out. Exactly how it's supposed to go.
Which means I don't have to know.

I promise...

To never stop looking at you like it's the very first time I'm laying eyes on you.
To always be your safe place to land.
To always keep that balance between butting heads and letting you have your way.
That you'll always get your way.
I promise to never stop thinking you're a masterpiece.
A work of art, all of you.
The backs of your hands.
Your jaw line.
The way you furrow your eyebrows when you're absorbing some bit of information.
I promise to never stop singing you Coldplay lyrics.
To always listen to you, encourage you, believe in you.
To always see that greatness within you, even and especially when you can't.
I love the way you hold the steering wheel.
The way you drag your feet exactly like I do.
The way you crack up at the same dumb stuff as me.
I love your wit.
The sharp, unapologetic way you challenge me and make me want to be better.
Your tenderness.
Thank you for finally convincing me that I'm safe.
That you'll never let anyone or anything hurt me.
Thank you for being that constant, stable rock I can cling to in the midst of
a thrashing sea.
Thank you for being you. And loving that I exist and I'm me.
I couldn't have dreamed of anything better.

PS: They say Rome is lovely in the fall.

Without you it's a waste of time.

So this is my life and I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be better than okay. In fact, so beyond okay. So much better than any okay I could've possibly imagined on my own. I'm learning more and more every day that God's got me. That He's got this, all of this. It seems like such an elementary lesson to learn...like, duh, Sarah. Of course God's got this. Where've you been? But it's a big deal for me. It's a big deal for me to finally, truly, with-all-of-my-heart be trusting God. With everything. Not just saying I do, not just hoping I do. But really realizing that He has the best for me. That He's going to take care of me. That His plans are good. So, so good. Again, it seems so basic and simple. But it's...it's taken a long time. And I'm nowhere near finished. I'm still afraid sometimes. Inside, I still see so much work that needs to be done. Inside, I'm still very much that little girl that's waiting...just waiting, dreading, for it all to be ripped away from her. Still thinking of all that can go bad, of all that can be lost. Because I've come so close, so many times. I've come so close to losing so much. So, it's...it's almost like a reflex now. A gritted teeth kind of bracing yourself. Hoping it won't happen, but being tensed up just in case it does. It's fear. And it's something that I'm giving, slowly but surely, up to Him. Some days more than others, but every day.
But I love looking back, even just over the past year, and seeing how much has changed for the better. I love seeing all that's fallen into place, that's changed, that's grown, or been broken off. I love liking where I am, how far I've come, how far He's brought me. I love looking back and saying, "Yes, Lord. I see why it happened like this, because if that hadn't happened, this never would have. I see it now." It brings me such joy, such peace, to know that God is leading me, gently. That He has never, ever let me go and that He's using everything, everything to shape me.
Again, this all seems so simple. Like such a small step. I can't explain why it's been such a huge journey for me. But it has been.
Also, random, but there's something so beautifully incredible about realizing that God hears your prayers. Every single one. He was listening that whole time. To every word. Every single cry of your heart. For comfort, for things to work out, for your future spouse. Everything. He was listening to you. That's...that's just so awesome to me. That He cares so much to not just hear me out, but to actually give me those desires of my heart that I talked with Him about. He loves me so much, so much that He's going to meet my every need. Work absolutely everything out according to His will, which is the absolute best way for things to go.
Ahhhh. I'm just a little kid sometimes. Still so wide-eyed and in awe of, still so surprised by those things that should be, well, obvious. There's so much to learn. So much to catch with these open, outstretched hands. And I'm so excited. So, so excited.

Maybe I'm predictable. But, here, a list of, well, random things that have made up my life in the past few months/weeks:
-Coldplay. So much Coldplay. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh <3 <3 <3 <3
-Whipped cream. That's one of my favorite parts of making people's drinks. It's like a special treat when they ask for whipped cream. I can't explain it, I just love spraying it. The shhhh noise it makes. And I actually really like it on my lattes, the whipped cream kinda mixes with the foam, it's just...boss.
-Graphic tees from the boys section at Target. They have better ones, so I buy them.
-Driving around. It wastes gas. But I do my best thinking in the car. It's a good prayer time too.
-Oh, um. Twitter. I got one. It was really fun and cool for like three days. Now it's just another thing to check on my phone when I'm waiting in line at Starbucks.
Hmmm. I guess that's it. My life's pretty boring. I'm a tad disappointed that I don't have any really cool stuff to add to the list. But eh, it's cool. I'm just living my life.
"Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart..."